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Yuppies are not hipsters, and most of what you think is part of “hipster culture” is probably wrong

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Me: Dude, why would you write a post to mull over the definition of “hipster”? That’s dumb. A waste of time. Think about it: It’s 2018, and hipster is now a watered-down, umbrella term. People believe that eating avocado toast or seeing a Burning Man photo on the internet is enough to garner them, or others, the label.

The Other Me: I dunno. I guess I like splitting hairs. And it’s not that I’m a hipster apologist — what a gross thing to even write — but I’ve always been a stickler for clarity. Plus, I want to bring back “yuppie.” Most people who incorrectly peg others as hipsters are actually referring to yuppies.

Me: I guess. But, wait, what’s a yuppie to you? Because even the Urban Dictionary has various definitions of that dusty word.

The Other Me: That’s true. But, as I understand it, yuppie has always been used to describe a young, spoiled person with money. But also a faux hippie, like someone who drives SUV with a Greenpeace sticker on the bumper.

Yuppies love hipster culture, but only participate in the superficial, chic aspects of it, such as eating at farm-to-table restaurants or, speaking of Burning Man, going to festivals which have never been cool, but used to be sort of funny to hipsters — at least at the beginning.

Listen, you’ll never catch a yuppie throwing molotov cocktails in a republican rally, but they’ll engage in safe, lazy protests, like reposting a Slate article they didn’t fully read.

Me: So poseurs.

The Other Me: Yes, exactly. What a lot of people who think they understand hipster culture always forget, or perhaps never understood, is that true hipsters disdain affluence. Stories, jokes, or references to hipsters spending $8 on fair trade coffee or $400 on selvedge denim are usually incorrect because they’re referring to modern yuppies, not hipsters.

Me: So you think casual observers are erroneously ascribing hip points to impostors?

The Other Me: Yes. Real hipsters are morally righteous and revel in their astute penny-pinching. That’s the reason second-hand stores became a thing in the first place, or why they love Martha Steward, but hate the Kardashians.

Me: And what about irony? Can’t hipsters like the Kardashians ironically?

The Other Me: Irony is the most confusing aspect of hipster culture for all non-hipsters, and a long, complex subject to get into. But the shortest explanation I can offer is that hipsters know how to dominate camp, or kitsch — and all failed seriousness — in ways that are usually too confusing for the masses.

I’m no Susan Sontag, but I estimate the Kardashians are too self-conscious, poised, and self-aware to be truly ironic, thought mass phenomenons can become highly ironic. It usually happens when the passage of time reveals their flaws (again, failed seriousness). Mommy Dearest is still a good example of this because, although it was meant to be a serious Hollywood drama, it was ultimately deemed too over the top to be taken seriously.

Me: Got it. Still, I think it’s pretty dumb that you bothered to write any of this. Millennials are all “post-label” and shit. Plus I don’t think anybody is going to re-adopt the word yuppie. It’s too late. The well has been poisoned.

The Other Me: It’s fine. I got time to kill, and money to burn. I’ve been waiting for my $12 pour over at this coffee shop and that fucking thing is taking forever to, um, pour.

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Oh, right. Old-school Mexicans humiliate their children by pretending they don’t exist.

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I’ve been visiting my mother, and all of our immediate family, for the last week. They’re old-school, rural Mexicans. The kind who always offer food, even if they hate you.

I’m in my mid 30s now, and have been living on my own since I was 18, so at our gatherings I get a proper adult seat at the table. They listen to what I have to say, but it wasn’t always like that.

It’s not like that for my younger relatives, either. At family reunions, I see them out of the periphery of my eye. They’re trying to get a word in, but those older Mexicans won’t allow it. Why would they? What have those mocosos (snot-nosed kids) done to deserve anybody’s respect? Did they pay for their food? For the roof over their head? For their car, gas, clothes? No? Then they don’t exist.

Yes, they’re physically there, but unless they can prove their worth through monetary independence, they’re no one. If they try to make their voices heard, they’ll be silenced by a death stare, or an abrupt change in conversation.

If they persist, other humiliations will be flung at them, such as being asked to do something entirely meaningless, just like their opinion. “Vete a ver si ya puso la marrana” (go see if one of the pigs laid an egg) is a classic. My grandma had one of the most bizarre just-get-the-fuck-out-of-here phrases, which I’ve never heard elsewhere: “Vete a descular hormigas” (go chop the asses off ants).

I know these Mexicans sound like assholes, but they’re like that because they believe in resilience, not fragility. Giving encouragement to a mentally and physically healthy person seems redundant to them. Those people already have all they need to succeed, they’ll think.

To gain their respect, at the very least a person will need to become self-sufficient. That’s how you earn the right to sit with them. Either you’re with that, or you’re not there at all.

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“Trump Dating” site doesn’t want the gays, but allows the “happily married” to join

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You can even be mad at Trump Dating, a new website for lonely — or not so lonely, but just promiscuous — maganogamous people. It’s a perfect representation of their cherished administration, since it’s also homophobic — it only allows “straight” women or men to sign up — and, just like Trump, it’s all about adulterous relationships:

“When you kick off the process of starting a profile, you get two options for labeling yourself — ‘straight man’ or ‘straight woman.’

Yet according to Trump Dating’s rather strange drop-down menus, married people are welcome. For a relationship status, the site offers options like ‘have a significant other,’ ‘happily married,’ and ‘unhappily married.'”

And since no self-respecting republican-specific dating site should exist unless it takes an issue with race, Trump Dating allows their users to be super specific about their genealogy:

“The ethnicity options also seemed oddly specific. In addition to the typical categories, the site includes choices like ‘Scandinavian,’ ‘Polynesian,’ ‘Eastern European,’ ‘Western European,’ ‘Mediterranean,’ and ‘Eskimo,’ a term used to label the indigenous people of Alaska, Canada, and Greenland that is considered offensive and inaccurate.”

OMG, you guys. There better be a second menu where users can identify which of the five Aryan subtype races — Nordic, Mediterranean, Dinaric, Alpine, and East Baltic — they belong to. Otherwise the server room of this Trump Dating is gonna get tiki torched.

Anyway, where you at, Chispa, the “Tinder for Latinos”? You gonna let Trump Dating walk all over you? You need to re-brand to DACA Dong, Canelo Kennedy Courting, or something.

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