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Just because I’m not dating a Mexican doesn’t mean you shouldn’t

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I, a Mexican, recently wrote a post about how dating a Latina from another country afforded me the right amount of separation from the cultural aspects I don’t love about my peoples. A Mexican friend then messaged me to say FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING ANTI-MEXICAN ARTICLE, but in very polite terms.

I’m here to atone for my sins.

Actually, I just want to clarify the point of my original post, because I also noticed that many lovely Rictus readers, especially those who use my Facebook wall like a confessional Yahoo chat room from 2002 — I’m not telling you to stop, though — read half the article, then jumped to the comments to scream “THAT’S WHY I DATE WHITE GUYS!”

And I know why that happened: The first half of my piece praises Americans for being much more liberal daters than Mexicans. But in the second half I BARED MY SOUL and revealed that, while I’ve dated plenty of Americans and have loved the experience, the sharp cultural differences between the Yankees (calm down, Castro) and the Corn People (calm down, Chicano studies) also made those relationships a lot of work.

The solution that works for me, at least for now, is kicking it with someone from a similar culture. My lady, a boricua-pa-que-yo-lo-sepa, and I can quickly get through misunderstandings because there’s almost no language barrier (Puerto Rican’s use of “pitchea” is still lost on me ¡Bendito!). Plus there’s other culturally-similar nuances that facilitate our *telenovela voice* RELACIÓN SENTIMENTAL.

Maybe you need to check out Chispa, the “Tinder for Latinos.”

So why should you date Mexicans if I don’t? First off, I do date Mexicans. I’ve dated plenty, actually. But I’ve come to the conclusion that we’re like betta fish: Beautiful, majestic, and colorful, but if you put us in the same bowl, we’ll kill each other.

I’m kidding. And I’m also only speaking about my personal experience, which shouldn’t even influence yours. Perhaps it has something to do with my parents and their less-than-ideal relationship. Plus, to be clear, some of the relationships I’ve had with Mexicans didn’t work out because of practical reasons, such as distance, and not emotional incompatibility.

Listen, if the beautiful Ariel (my GF) gets rid of her Flounder (me), then Flounder is gonna mope around the sea for a while, but he’ll be open to hook up with the crab, the octopus, the merman, or any other character. It’s all good.

Because that’s what The Little Mermaid is about, right? The woman bangs the fish? I’ve never seen it. No, wait, I’m thinking about The Shape of Water. And why am I using clunky fish analogies?

Definitely date Mexicans.

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Oh, right. Old-school Mexicans humiliate their children by pretending they don’t exist.

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I’ve been visiting my mother, and all of our immediate family, for the last week. They’re old-school, rural Mexicans. The kind who always offer food, even if they hate you.

I’m in my mid 30s now, and have been living on my own since I was 18, so at our gatherings I get a proper adult seat at the table. They listen to what I have to say, but it wasn’t always like that.

It’s not like that for my younger relatives, either. At family reunions, I see them out of the periphery of my eye. They’re trying to get a word in, but those older Mexicans won’t allow it. Why would they? What have those mocosos (snot-nosed kids) done to deserve anybody’s respect? Did they pay for their food? For the roof over their head? For their car, gas, clothes? No? Then they don’t exist.

Yes, they’re physically there, but unless they can prove their worth through monetary independence, they’re no one. If they try to make their voices heard, they’ll be silenced by a death stare, or an abrupt change in conversation.

If they persist, other humiliations will be flung at them, such as being asked to do something entirely meaningless, just like their opinion. “Vete a ver si ya puso la marrana” (go see if one of the pigs laid an egg) is a classic. My grandma had one of the most bizarre just-get-the-fuck-out-of-here phrases, which I’ve never heard elsewhere: “Vete a descular hormigas” (go chop the asses off ants).

I know these Mexicans sound like assholes, but they’re like that because they believe in resilience, not fragility. Giving encouragement to a mentally and physically healthy person seems redundant to them. Those people already have all they need to succeed, they’ll think.

To gain their respect, at the very least a person will need to become self-sufficient. That’s how you earn the right to sit with them. Either you’re with that, or you’re not there at all.

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“Trump Dating” site doesn’t want the gays, but allows the “happily married” to join

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You can even be mad at Trump Dating, a new website for lonely — or not so lonely, but just promiscuous — maganogamous people. It’s a perfect representation of their cherished administration, since it’s also homophobic — it only allows “straight” women or men to sign up — and, just like Trump, it’s all about adulterous relationships:

“When you kick off the process of starting a profile, you get two options for labeling yourself — ‘straight man’ or ‘straight woman.’

Yet according to Trump Dating’s rather strange drop-down menus, married people are welcome. For a relationship status, the site offers options like ‘have a significant other,’ ‘happily married,’ and ‘unhappily married.'”

And since no self-respecting republican-specific dating site should exist unless it takes an issue with race, Trump Dating allows their users to be super specific about their genealogy:

“The ethnicity options also seemed oddly specific. In addition to the typical categories, the site includes choices like ‘Scandinavian,’ ‘Polynesian,’ ‘Eastern European,’ ‘Western European,’ ‘Mediterranean,’ and ‘Eskimo,’ a term used to label the indigenous people of Alaska, Canada, and Greenland that is considered offensive and inaccurate.”

OMG, you guys. There better be a second menu where users can identify which of the five Aryan subtype races — Nordic, Mediterranean, Dinaric, Alpine, and East Baltic — they belong to. Otherwise the server room of this Trump Dating is gonna get tiki torched.

Anyway, where you at, Chispa, the “Tinder for Latinos”? You gonna let Trump Dating walk all over you? You need to re-brand to DACA Dong, Canelo Kennedy Courting, or something.

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