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Vicente Fernández to Tom Brady: Imaletyoufinish, but I started the confidently-kiss-your-son-on-the-mouth thing

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Yesterday The Cut published a post about Tom Brady and the way in which he expresses affection for Jack, his 11-year-old son. Gabriella Paiella, the author, feels discomforted because the famous quarterback presses his lips on his son’s lips for too many seconds:

Gabriella also pointed out that Tom does the same thing with his father, seen in the lead image of this post. The majority of The Cut’s readers shat on the author through the site’s Facebook page, and rightfully so.

Yes, there’s nothing wrong with a father being respectfully affectionate with his son, but don’t be surprised if seeing it feels slightly awkward either.

This situation highlights the fact that, besides the conventional pat on the back, nervously quick hug, or firm handshake, we rarely see non-sexual physical displays of affection among heterosexual men. As a society, we’re not sufficiently mature, progressive, and emotionally developed to do so.

Blame puritanical religions, the government, the patriarchy, or all three. Quite curiously, when we finally see some genuine man-on-man closeness — again, non-sexual — it germinates within extreme emblems of masculinity.

For example, between a world-famous quarterback, the dream profession of most American straight men, and his offspring, or between Vicente “Chente” Fernández, the best-selling singer of one the most macho Latino music genres, and Alejandro, his son who also dabbles in rancheras, and being a hipster.

Social constructs — they’re just like us! Or we’re just like them? Or something.

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Oh, right. Old-school Mexicans humiliate their children by pretending they don’t exist.

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I’ve been visiting my mother, and all of our immediate family, for the last week. They’re old-school, rural Mexicans. The kind who always offer food, even if they hate you.

I’m in my mid 30s now, and have been living on my own since I was 18, so at our gatherings I get a proper adult seat at the table. They listen to what I have to say, but it wasn’t always like that.

It’s not like that for my younger relatives, either. At family reunions, I see them out of the periphery of my eye. They’re trying to get a word in, but those older Mexicans won’t allow it. Why would they? What have those mocosos (snot-nosed kids) done to deserve anybody’s respect? Did they pay for their food? For the roof over their head? For their car, gas, clothes? No? Then they don’t exist.

Yes, they’re physically there, but unless they can prove their worth through monetary independence, they’re no one. If they try to make their voices heard, they’ll be silenced by a death stare, or an abrupt change in conversation.

If they persist, other humiliations will be flung at them, such as being asked to do something entirely meaningless, just like their opinion. “Vete a ver si ya puso la marrana” (go see if one of the pigs laid an egg) is a classic. My grandma had one of the most bizarre just-get-the-fuck-out-of-here phrases, which I’ve never heard elsewhere: “Vete a descular hormigas” (go chop the asses off ants).

I know these Mexicans sound like assholes, but they’re like that because they believe in resilience, not fragility. Giving encouragement to a mentally and physically healthy person seems redundant to them. Those people already have all they need to succeed, they’ll think.

To gain their respect, at the very least a person will need to become self-sufficient. That’s how you earn the right to sit with them. Either you’re with that, or you’re not there at all.

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“Trump Dating” site doesn’t want the gays, but allows the “happily married” to join

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You can even be mad at Trump Dating, a new website for lonely — or not so lonely, but just promiscuous — maganogamous people. It’s a perfect representation of their cherished administration, since it’s also homophobic — it only allows “straight” women or men to sign up — and, just like Trump, it’s all about adulterous relationships:

“When you kick off the process of starting a profile, you get two options for labeling yourself — ‘straight man’ or ‘straight woman.’

Yet according to Trump Dating’s rather strange drop-down menus, married people are welcome. For a relationship status, the site offers options like ‘have a significant other,’ ‘happily married,’ and ‘unhappily married.'”

And since no self-respecting republican-specific dating site should exist unless it takes an issue with race, Trump Dating allows their users to be super specific about their genealogy:

“The ethnicity options also seemed oddly specific. In addition to the typical categories, the site includes choices like ‘Scandinavian,’ ‘Polynesian,’ ‘Eastern European,’ ‘Western European,’ ‘Mediterranean,’ and ‘Eskimo,’ a term used to label the indigenous people of Alaska, Canada, and Greenland that is considered offensive and inaccurate.”

OMG, you guys. There better be a second menu where users can identify which of the five Aryan subtype races — Nordic, Mediterranean, Dinaric, Alpine, and East Baltic — they belong to. Otherwise the server room of this Trump Dating is gonna get tiki torched.

Anyway, where you at, Chispa, the “Tinder for Latinos”? You gonna let Trump Dating walk all over you? You need to re-brand to DACA Dong, Canelo Kennedy Courting, or something.

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