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Univision, funniest network ever, buys The Onion

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Brace yourselves because what you’re about to read is not satire: Univison bought The Onion. Yes, Old uncle Univision, the one who’s hip to all the buzzwords them crazy kids keep saying, acquired one of the most emblematic sources of American comedy, says NPR:

Univision will acquire a 40 percent, controlling stake in The Onion, which includes the site, its influential sister popular-culture outfit The A.V. Club, the social media satire site Clickhole, and various book and video projects. Univision also will have the right to buy the humor company outright.

But, but, but… why!? Because Univision is the funniest network ever — not intentionally, of course, but that’s another point.

Also, this seems to be part of Univision’s bigger plan to ensnare those elusive millennials everyone keeps talking about. Essentially it’s the kind of audience which may be of Latino descent but are not watching Uncle Univision because, seriously, why would they? I mean, even their “cool” awards shows are for old people.

Randy Falco, Univision’s big wig, is aware of all this:

Randy Falco, Univision’s CEO, and Isaac Lee, its president of news and digital, have concluded that humor is a key ingredient to appeal to the millennial palate. They hope to build on The Onion’s traffic for their existing digital sites, which are experiencing marked growth but not yet enjoying much in the way of profits.

If you’re media savvy, then you’re probably asking yourself: “wasn’t that the point of Fusion, Univision and ABC’s joint venture? To capture the Latino millennial imagination?” The short answer is yes. But Fusion got cold feet, and now they’re trying to reach all millennials, not just the Latino ones:

Univision launched the English-language Fusion network in concert with Disney’s ABC network to reach English-speaking Latinos, a venture that soon pivoted to reach millennials more generally.

From a business point of view, it makes sense to go after all millennials and not just the Latino ones since, in this case, Fusion’s content is published in English anyway. However, doing so also pits them against all the big boys, which is probably why Fusion was having a hard time defining itself after they dropped the Latino tag. (Disclaimer: I’ve written stuff for Fusion before.)

The good news is that, at least according to Univision, they’re not going to fuck with The Onion’s editorial in any way, but will only rename the site “La Cebolla Chacal de la Cuatro que Jorge Ramos regaló a Raúl De Molina por parte de las nalgas de Don Francisco.”

(Just kidding about the last part, but not everything else.)

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“Trump Dating” site doesn’t want the gays, but allows the “happily married” to join

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You can even be mad at Trump Dating, a new website for lonely — or not so lonely, but just promiscuous — maganogamous people. It’s a perfect representation of their cherished administration, since it’s also homophobic — it only allows “straight” women or men to sign up — and, just like Trump, it’s all about adulterous relationships:

“When you kick off the process of starting a profile, you get two options for labeling yourself — ‘straight man’ or ‘straight woman.’

Yet according to Trump Dating’s rather strange drop-down menus, married people are welcome. For a relationship status, the site offers options like ‘have a significant other,’ ‘happily married,’ and ‘unhappily married.'”

And since no self-respecting republican-specific dating site should exist unless it takes an issue with race, Trump Dating allows their users to be super specific about their genealogy:

“The ethnicity options also seemed oddly specific. In addition to the typical categories, the site includes choices like ‘Scandinavian,’ ‘Polynesian,’ ‘Eastern European,’ ‘Western European,’ ‘Mediterranean,’ and ‘Eskimo,’ a term used to label the indigenous people of Alaska, Canada, and Greenland that is considered offensive and inaccurate.”

OMG, you guys. There better be a second menu where users can identify which of the five Aryan subtype races — Nordic, Mediterranean, Dinaric, Alpine, and East Baltic — they belong to. Otherwise the server room of this Trump Dating is gonna get tiki torched.

Anyway, where you at, Chispa, the “Tinder for Latinos”? You gonna let Trump Dating walk all over you? You need to re-brand to DACA Dong, Canelo Kennedy Courting, or something.

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I made 62 cents writing for you last month and now I feel like Carlos Slim

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So I quit my day job a couple of months ago and, to ease the boredom that gestates inside like some gross multi-brown baby, I’ve been populating Rictus with dumb-ass rants. Rants that, quite surprisingly — because, honestly, some of this stuff is really stupid — were looked at over 20,000 times in January, according to Google’s Analytics:

But Google is that passive-aggressive friend which tells you it wants your to succeed, but is secretly waiting for you to try so that it can humiliate you for doing so. That’s why the company sent me an email a few days ago to inform me of the traffic spike on this humble blog, and today it followed up with a “here’s your .62 cents of AdSense money, Scrooge Mcduck”:

Nice, Google. You should meet my melodramatic aunt. You’d get along famously.

But you know what? It doesn’t matter that last week José, the other Rictus dude, sent me an article about how a few writers were making insane amounts of money — especially for the digital realm — because Fusion, which is now Splinter, hired them back when the young venture was drunk with power (Disney was buying all the drinks):

“It is worth remembering that Salmon was not alone in the Fu$ion hiring $pree of 2014-15. Alexis Madrigal, Kevin Roose, Anna Holmes, Dodai Stewart, and Hillary Frey are a few of the big-name hires Fusion ‘[showered] with TV money, doling out salaries around the $300,000 and $500,000 range for marquee hires,’ reported Kara Bloomgarden-Smoke in WWD.”

I wrote a few articles for Fusion myself, but damn — I had no idea The Mouse put down the black Amex at the bar! That’s the last time I ask for well drinks on another person’s tab. #youstayhumbleifyouwantkendrick

Alas, The Awl and Gothamist, among other sites favored by media geeks, are dead now. And since monetizing digital content has turned into the lets-all-chase-millennials-with-dumb-memes-clickbait-and-viral-videos game, my 62 Google cents make me feel like Carlos Slim.

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