Brace yourselves because what you’re about to read is not satire: Univison bought The Onion. Yes, Old uncle Univision, the one who’s hip to all the buzzwords them crazy kids keep saying, acquired one of the most emblematic sources of American comedy, says NPR:
Univision will acquire a 40 percent, controlling stake in The Onion, which includes the site, its influential sister popular-culture outfit The A.V. Club, the social media satire site Clickhole, and various book and video projects. Univision also will have the right to buy the humor company outright.
But, but, but… why!? Because Univision is the funniest network ever — not intentionally, of course, but that’s another point.
Also, this seems to be part of Univision’s bigger plan to ensnare those elusive millennials everyone keeps talking about. Essentially it’s the kind of audience which may be of Latino descent but are not watching Uncle Univision because, seriously, why would they? I mean, even their “cool” awards shows are for old people.
Randy Falco, Univision’s big wig, is aware of all this:
Randy Falco, Univision’s CEO, and Isaac Lee, its president of news and digital, have concluded that humor is a key ingredient to appeal to the millennial palate. They hope to build on The Onion’s traffic for their existing digital sites, which are experiencing marked growth but not yet enjoying much in the way of profits.
If you’re media savvy, then you’re probably asking yourself: “wasn’t that the point of Fusion, Univision and ABC’s joint venture? To capture the Latino millennial imagination?” The short answer is yes. But Fusion got cold feet, and now they’re trying to reach all millennials, not just the Latino ones:
Univision launched the English-language Fusion network in concert with Disney’s ABC network to reach English-speaking Latinos, a venture that soon pivoted to reach millennials more generally.
From a business point of view, it makes sense to go after all millennials and not just the Latino ones since, in this case, Fusion’s content is published in English anyway. However, doing so also pits them against all the big boys, which is probably why Fusion was having a hard time defining itself after they dropped the Latino tag. (Disclaimer: I’ve written stuff for Fusion before.)
The good news is that, at least according to Univision, they’re not going to fuck with The Onion’s editorial in any way, but will only rename the site “La Cebolla Chacal de la Cuatro que Jorge Ramos regaló a Raúl De Molina por parte de las nalgas de Don Francisco.”
(Just kidding about the last part, but not everything else.)
A “satanic” doll called “Rosita” has been terrorizing Mexican women for decades
You in the mood for some magical realism? Then meet Rosita, a “satanic” doll who’s been terrorizing Mexican women for decades.
Al Rojo Vivo, a semi-serious news show on Telemundo *shakes head in embarrassment,* caught up with Rosalba, Rosita’s owner, to get the full story. It turns that Rosita was purchased 42 years ago in Saltillo, a city in the Mexican state of Coahuila, as a gift for one of Rosalba’s unborn children.
BUT THEN ROSITA KELP MURDERING ROSALBA’S KIDS.
Just kidding. But apparently some weird shit did start to happen around the house after the doll’s arrival, like the time when Rosita tried to lasciviously seduce an innocent boy:
“Once a nephew walked into her room, but then quickly ran out. He looked very pale. ‘What’s wrong with you?’ we asked him, and he told us the doll started winking at him while she sat in a rocking chair.”
Kid, relax. Rosita is 42-years-old. She was probably just trying to get some because a) you’re her size, and b) homegirl is not getting any younger.
But Al Rojo Vivo is all about producing hard-hitting stories with well-sourced journalism, which is why they interviewed what appears to be some random señora:
“Seeing her… yeah, it’s weird.”
Rosa, don’t listen them. You’re not satanic or weird. Those women are just jealous because you still look like you’re ten and they don’t. You’re a strong, independent, and sexually-liberated doll who’s just trying to do her thing. #youdoyoudoll
Check out Rosita’s story below.
Myrka Dellanos should punch people, like Raul de Molina, whenever they ask her about Luis Miguel
From 1992 until 2004, Myrka Dellanos was the main reason why most people watched Primer Impacto, Univision’s second-worst show after Sábado Gigante. Yes, viewers liked María Celeste Arrarás, Myrka’s then co-host who’s been doing her thing on Telemundo’s Al Rojo Vivo, but Dellanos always seemed cooler.
The beautiful Cuban-American dressed like a hip ’90s girl when she was off the clock, and had a fun, bubbly personality. MTV had Daisy Fuentes, Univision had Myrka Dellanos.
But in the mid ’00s, after her contract ended with Univision, the cherished host began to fade into obscurity. Years later she turned up in Estrella TV, a network where d-list Latino stars are banished to after they become too embarrassing even for Televisa.
Having been asked to host Good Morning America in her heyday, Myrka’s star power has always been above Estrella TV — and Univision, to be honest — which might be the reason why her social media networks have been ballooning over the years.
This week Dellanos, now 52, made a surprise visit to El Gordo y La Flaca and revealed she’s been booked by her old network to host Premios lo Nuestro this Thursday. But like all of Luis Miguel’s victims — including Daisy Fuentes, oddly enough — poor Myrka has been enduring a life sentence of having to speak about “El Sol” whenever she’s placed in front of a camera:
Myrka was way too tolerant of Raul de Molina’s barbs, but she seriously needs a clause in her contract that allows her to punch people in the face if they bring up her ex-boyfriends.
Get Lisa Bloom all over this, Myrka.
Also, welcome back.