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Is your penis sexy? Rick Owens certainly thinks so

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American fashion designer Rick Owens managed to titillate the internetz with three barely visible floppy wieners. Were those johns made out of diamond-encrusted precious metals? Or were they smartpenises with extra RAM? (Pun intended). Naw, dude. Just average male-model dicks—and, again, they were mostly kept under the hood [insert circumcision joke here].

So what’s the big deal? The double standard, obviously. Designers won’t think twice about parading fully naked women down the runway, but a pinga? Shut your face! Apparently our gnarly, dangly, worm-like genitals have no place in high fashion. Odd, right? Especially because the fashion world is essentially run by gay men and women.

When prodded for an explanation, Rick Owens had a sensible answer:

I pass classical marble statues of nude and draped figures in the park every day, and they are a vision of sensuality—yes, but also of grace and freedom. As a participant in one of our most progressive aesthetic arenas, am I not allowed to use this imagery? Is it only appropriate for a Michael Fassbender movie?

But, I dunno, maybe dicks really are ugly. Or from a fashion designer’s point of view, hard to knit and sew for? Because even William Levy, Latin America’s Fabio or sorts, looks silly in “sexy” underwear (NSFW). We could argue that, thanks to largely conservative Western values, our society has been deeply conditioned to be shocked and repulsed by male genitalia. Can the effects be reversed? Some edgy, image-positive gays have been trying for a while, but the fashion world doesn’t really care about gender politics—unless, of course, you’re like, ridiculously pretty.

But back to the issue at hand: can men’s junk be made to look beautiful? To be honest, even those Rick Owens penis-inclusive outfits aren’t that great. (To his credit, the rest of that collection is actually decent.) Maybe our downtown buddy has too much baggage [insert testicle joke here] to ever be considered pretty. But, well, can you blame him? His closest neighbor is an asshole.

Can somebody please get Anna Wintour on the phone so she can solve this conundrum directly? Or should we go to Lagerfeld?

Years ago Galliano gave GQ an interesting quote:

My craft with menswear, I suppose, is working with proportion; enhancing a man’s good bits but also hiding a multitude of sins.

Yes, John, you should hide that sinful, dirty dick—because it’s only going to make it hotter.

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María Rubio was so good as Catalina Creel, an iconic telenovela villain, the role ruined her career

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According to sources on Twitter, and also TvNotas, the holy bible of Mexican gossip, María Rubio, the legendary actress best known for her role as Catalina Creel de Larios in Cuna de lobos, has passed away. She was 83 years old.

Thanks to her role as Soraya Montenegro in María la del Barrio, Itati Cantoral has been dominating the internet with an insane amount of memes, gifs, and even a House of Cards promo special. Itati blew up in the mid ’90s, when older millennials were still teens, and she’s that generation’s go-to character when it comes to Mexican telenovela villains.

Yes, Cantoral was great as Soraya, but the top dog in the telenovela villain game was — and has always been — María Rubio. The Tijuana-born actress was so good in Cuna de lobos that, according to an interview she did with Cristina Saralegui, the role ruined her career:

“[Catalina Creel] was a difficult, beloved character. I enjoyed playing her, but she also hurt me a lot. People completely forgot about María Rubio and now it seems that, after 40 years of being an actress, I’ve only done Catalina Creel.”

Catalina, a murderous matriarch, was known for having some of the best one-liners in telenovela history. But in the same interview with Saralegui, which was filmed over 20 years ago, María proved to be just as cunning and smart as her infamous character, but also incredibly funny:

“[Although I played a villain], I’ve received nothing but compliments, love, and admiration. Never aggression. I think viewers do attack the bad ones — bad actresses, that is.”

If you understand Spanish, check out the hilarious interview below. Watch María viciously own everyone in a panel of full of young telenovela villains:

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Traumatic advice from aunt Rosa: “Don’t torture your Care Bear, Mijo. Or else.”

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I was 6 years old when I yelled at Tugs, my Care Bear. I put him in time-out for not agreeing to the rules of an imaginary game I had just created.

I built a little time-out fortress for him to stay in while I played with my other toys. Coincidentally my tía Rosa was visiting that day. I urged her to see all my toys when she came into the house. I also explained to her that Tugs was in time-out, to which she replied in shock, “Mijo, mira, You have to be nice to your toys.”

I replied, “Tía, I am nice to my toys, but I’m teaching him a lesson.”

She contested nervously, “No, Mijo, you have to be nice to your toys or they might not be nice to you.”

I wasn’t following her logic.

Mijo, if you’re not nice to your toys, then at night time they might wake up and crawl into your bed to cut your toes with tiny razors,” she said slowly while staring at my imprisoned Care Bear.

“What?!” I whispered to her while looking at Tugs from the corner of my eye.

“Yes, your toys might do very bad things to you if you don’t treat them good.”

I stared at her in disbelief.

She stood up and walked towards the doorway.

Mijo, I brought you some tortillas. Come in the kitchen and let’s warm them up,” Rosa said casually.

From then on, Tugs sat on a tufted pillow on my dresser while I slept in velcro shoes for the next year. Growing up in my Mexican-American family meant that everything was possibly alive and watching you.


Felix III – Journeys the cosmos via Holy Hands Vol. 2. Rents a one-bedroom on Neptune. IG: @Futurefelix / Twitter: @thefuturefelix


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