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Life hacks: How to live your life once you’ve fallen in love with an emotionally immature man

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Did you accidentally fall in love with an emotionally immature man? Maybe you’re not head over heels, but you feel too invested in the relationship to leave him? Don’t feel bad about it, kiddo — I’ve got some life hacks for you!

First, you need to understand how you got there. My hypothesis is that your Manchild’s child-like behavior may have been the reason why you fell for him. You probably found his detached, aloof, and secretive attitude very endearing, charming, and sexy.

Yes, you used to love the way he would keep his feelings bottled up — until you figured out he’s just an idiot, not enigmatic. Now you’re too embarrassed to explain your horrible taste in men to your social circle, so you’ve decided to stick it out.

What now? Listen up.

1. Let yourself go and become completely unfashionable

Emotionally immature men are very self-conscious, possessive, and usually have no self-esteem. If you’re walking around looking super hot, people are going to hit on you, and he’s going to hate that.

You need to let yourself go.

Gain weight and buy a pair of UGG boots. Yes, eventually he’s going to cheat on you because he’ll no longer find you attractive. But think of the bright side: You won’t have to erase any of those Instagram pictures you took together as a couple, so #winning.

2. Embrace his homoerotic relationships with other men

Since most heterosexual men don’t know how to communicate their emotions with their girlfriends or wives, they tend to develop oddly homoerotic relationships with other repressed men.

You need to embrace this.

Why do you think Brokeback Mountain was a huge hit? No, it’s not because gay men wanted to see Jake Gyllenhall get passive-aggressively plowed, although who wouldn’t want to see that, amiright?

You pretending that coffee doesn’t have two shots of whiskey.

The reason that movie did well at the box office is because millions of women connected with Michelle Williams’ plight. She played the heroine who understands the risk, the humiliation of having to update your relationship status on Facebook after breaking up with a partner.

Switching from “in relationship” to “single” on the social media platform calls too much attention, especially among gossipy high school friends, and Michelle’s character did the right thing: Allowing her man get his while she stays home feeling lonely, anxious, and traumatized.

3. Don’t see a therapist

Having an objective professional tell you exactly what you need to do in order to live a happy life is not the best way to endure a relationship with a difficult person. In fact, it’s very counterproductive.

You need to STFU.

Years later you’re going to find yourself in a supermarket shopping for fresh produce. A handsome stranger, the kind you always fantasize about whenever you read a Danielle Steel novel, is going to accidentally bump his shopping cart into yours. “I’m sorry, mam. I was trying to reach the lemon bin, but it appears that destiny wants me to reach straight for the lemonade,” he’s going to say.

Your undies will soak in love juice, but instead of flirting back you’re going to tell that hot stranger to fuck off.

Because you didn’t spend years of your life learning how to suppress you self-worth for some asshole to undo all your psychological work while he’s shopping for bitter fruit.

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Andrés Cantor, the most important sportscaster of a generation, liked my Tweet

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This past Sunday I logged on to Twitter to see what 45 was up to, and a friend had tweeted a video clip of Andrés Cantor, the Argentine sportscaster, belting an elongated “gooooooool” after Colombia had scored against Poland. I immediately replied with a simple innocuous response acknowledging I grew up listening to him, and his emotion never gets old.

Monday morning I woke up with a notification on my phone: “ANDRES CANTOR liked your reply.” Having worked around celebrities in a previous life, something like this wouldn’t make me  giddy, but this was different. I remember Andrés, along with Norberto Longo, announcing the Italia 1990 World Cup matches on Univision.

At the time, Univision was the only broadcaster airing all the matches, so non-Spanish speakers also got to experience Cantor’s signature phrase.  He made watching the matches so much more exciting. It wasn’t just his particular enunciation, but his narration, which adds nail-biting suspense, and has a way of scrambling one’s feelings.

He knows his audience very well; just this week, during Mexico vs. Sweden, in the last minute of the match, he began to narrate the results of the match, which allowed Mexico to advance to the next stage. His energy matched those of the stadium, as he announced in Spanish: “Korea takes out the champion (Germany), Korea advances Mexico!

OH. MY. GOD. How can you not get caught up in the drama?

It’s not the same, but there have been some improvements with soccer matches called in English. Fox’s F1 has the English language rights for the world cup. They had two Latinos with thick accents announce Mexico vs. Sweden, and they added their own flair with dramatic cadences in English. But it’s Andrés Cantor who has laid the foundation for dramatic futbol game calling.

I remember during the 1998 World Cup, when Mexico played Germany in the round of 16, the match was tied 1-1. Pavel Pardo tried to do some fancy footwork against a German player, and Cantor quickly commented to stop it and not to do this against Germany. I was thinking the SAME thing — what an idiot! That match had me on the edge of my seat, and Cantor read my mind. Mexico ended up losing the match and getting eliminated.

I heard Andrés for the first time during the 1990 World Cup, but it was in 1987 that he was hired at Univision to call the matches for the Liga MX. For most, it wasn’t until the 1994 World Cup that Cantor came into the limelight. He was recognized with several awards, including a regional Emmy and a National Career Achievement Emmy, for his work during the tournament. He even made an appearance on the David Letterman show.

From a 1994 interview in the LA TIMES:

He said his ‘Gooooooaalllll!’ call isn’t really a trademark, and not even unique. That’s the style of the announcers he listened to as a youngster in Argentina.

Andrés Cantor is very much the voice of soccer in the USA. He came up a time when there was only one network broadcasting the World Cup, and he called the matches like the announcers from his childhood. Ultimately he’s written the announcers playbook, and many who’ve come after him have been influenced by his style. Yes, Cantor’s booming voice has become an unmistakable trademark, but for me his observations are just as important. He’s always saying what I’m shouting at the screen, and, apparently, liking my tweets.


Tizoc Schwartz co-wrote a short film on the word ‘Chingar’ and has written other stuff you’ve never heard of.  He’s a carb enthusiast, and dislikes social media.


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Drunkards in the night: A hallway, two keys, and one lasting memory

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Last night I met a student from upstate New York. She was drunk and locked out from the apartment across from mine, which she leased through Airbnb. She was given two keys; one unlocked the front door of the building, the other one unlocked her anxiety, frustration, and some other door elsewhere, but not the front door of her leased apartment.

I asked her if she was okay and she said “yes” with plenty of confidence. I entered my apartment only to be distracted by her weeping a few minutes later. I don’t know my neighbor — I mean, I’ve seen him, we wave at each other. But I don’t know his name and definitely don’t have his number because, well, it’s New York. Not having to speak to your neighbors about pleasantries — or at all — is one of the perks of the city.

I walked back to the hallway and asked the woman, who was in her early twenties, at most, if she had my neighbor’s number. In her state, my question barely registered, so instead I asked for her name, and to unlock her cell phone, which she was fumbling with. “Nawn…cie. Here.” She handed me her phone where, coincidentally, a group text was blowing up on the screen.

I got in on that: “This isn’t Nancy, but a stranger who found your drunk friend in a hallway in the LES. Someone should come get her. She’s locked out.” I offered her a glass of water, but instead she bolted inside my apartment, ran directly towards the toilet, and threw up. She figured out the layout of my place almost instantly, which was very surprising considering her altered state.

After handing her a wad of napkins and the glass of water, Nancy crawled towards the living room. “Sorry. You’re so kind, and decent, I think. I’m from Ithaca. That’s not relevant to this situation, but yeah, I’m from Ithaca,” she explained while climbing on top of an office chair (I don’t have real living room furniture).

Her friend, Rachel, texted back: “OMG. I’ll be there in 20 minutes! Please take care of her.” I relayed the information to my sudden guest. “Well, Nancy. I guess Ithaca rolls pretty hard on Monday nights,” I quipped. “Naw. Just me,” she replied, before adding that she’s a “computer science student.” “Is that relevant to this situation?” I asked. “Yes. There’s nothing wrong with computer science, actually, but my dad forced me to study that. I’m not good at it, so I’m always getting wasted.”

Nancy’s struggle was all kinds of endearing, but it wasn’t my place to dish out advice because 1) she didn’t ask for it, and 2) she already knew shit was wrong, but simply decided to deal with it in an unhealthy, self-destructive way, just like most young people. It’s actually an important stepping stone in youth, the kind that simply needs to play out.

Rachel finally showed up, adding: “Thanks for taking care of her. We didn’t think she was this drunk when she left the bar.” Still woozy, Nancy looked in my general direction before she left, and mentioned a parting gift. “It’s next to your toothbrush. Thanks, dude.”

She left a memory — yeah, figuratively, but also literally. A 4 gigabyte Samsung DDR3 RAM laptop memory module.

Nancy’s funny. Nancy’s gonna be alright.

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