1. Eat out all the time
No, this is not a sex pun, you smutty dork. I’m talking about eating at restaurants all the time. Many hardcore Latina moms have spent a considerable amount of time teaching their kids — especially their daughters — how to cook a decent meal. So if those skills aren’t being put to good use, and you stuff your face with Chipotle, Wendy’s, and Panda Express every other day, then it’s all been for naught.
Yes, you can go to a nice restaurant, but only on Sundays and after you’ve gone to mass, you damn coconut.
2. Go to Burning Man
Just like Black people, Latinos don’t go camping. That’s privileged white people stuff.
If your Latina mom finds out you’re willing to pay over $400 to sleep in a place where Virgen de Guadalupe candles can’t be lit — sandstorms will blow them out — you can expect to hear something along these lines: “Oh you love sleeping in dirt? I should have left your ass in the Sonoran Desert back when we first crossed the border, pendejo/a.”
Also, don’t be surprised if she’s burns all your legal, government-issued documents before calling ICE on you the same day you’re planning to head over to Nevada.
3. Dress casually while traveling somewhere
Years ago my mother, sister, and I were scheduled to fly out of California to visit a relative in Mexico. Before being picked up by one of our aunts to be taken to the airport, my sister walked out of her room wearing a Juicy Couture velour tracksuit. Our mother lost her temper.
“Quítate tu disfraz de gringa” (take off your gringa costume), she yelled in a serious, menacing tone. “You’re traveling to another country, not waking a dog in the park.”
My sister didn’t want any backhanded face massages that day, so she obeyed the order quickly.
4. Refuse to have a relationship with your family, even if they’re crazy
Listen, I’m not one to disqualify your experience in this world as a person of Latin American descent, but if don’t consistently hear the phrase “Have you called your aunt?” — or any variation that which directs you to check in with your cousin, uncle, brother, or sister — then you might not be from the Latin America of Earth, the third planet on the Solar System, as the rest of us.
Like obsessive sheepherders, Latina moms would like you to constantly keep close to your flock. Not having to mingle with your relatives — even the loony ones — is a white person’s birthright, not yours.
María Rubio was so good as Catalina Creel, an iconic telenovela villain, the role ruined her career
According to sources on Twitter, and also TvNotas, the holy bible of Mexican gossip, María Rubio, the legendary actress best known for her role as Catalina Creel de Larios in Cuna de lobos, has passed away. She was 83 years old.
Thanks to her role as Soraya Montenegro in María la del Barrio, Itati Cantoral has been dominating the internet with an insane amount of memes, gifs, and even a House of Cards promo special. Itati blew up in the mid ’90s, when older millennials were still teens, and she’s that generation’s go-to character when it comes to Mexican telenovela villains.
Yes, Cantoral was great as Soraya, but the top dog in the telenovela villain game was — and has always been — María Rubio. The Tijuana-born actress was so good in Cuna de lobos that, according to an interview she did with Cristina Saralegui, the role ruined her career:
“[Catalina Creel] was a difficult, beloved character. I enjoyed playing her, but she also hurt me a lot. People completely forgot about María Rubio and now it seems that, after 40 years of being an actress, I’ve only done Catalina Creel.”
Catalina, a murderous matriarch, was known for having some of the best one-liners in telenovela history. But in the same interview with Saralegui, which was filmed over 20 years ago, María proved to be just as cunning and smart as her infamous character, but also incredibly funny:
“[Although I played a villain], I’ve received nothing but compliments, love, and admiration. Never aggression. I think viewers do attack the bad ones — bad actresses, that is.”
If you understand Spanish, check out the hilarious interview below. Watch María viciously own everyone in a panel of full of young telenovela villains:
Traumatic advice from aunt Rosa: “Don’t torture your Care Bear, Mijo. Or else.”
I was 6 years old when I yelled at Tugs, my Care Bear. I put him in time-out for not agreeing to the rules of an imaginary game I had just created.
I built a little time-out fortress for him to stay in while I played with my other toys. Coincidentally my tía Rosa was visiting that day. I urged her to see all my toys when she came into the house. I also explained to her that Tugs was in time-out, to which she replied in shock, “Mijo, mira, You have to be nice to your toys.”
I replied, “Tía, I am nice to my toys, but I’m teaching him a lesson.”
She contested nervously, “No, Mijo, you have to be nice to your toys or they might not be nice to you.”
I wasn’t following her logic.
“Mijo, if you’re not nice to your toys, then at night time they might wake up and crawl into your bed to cut your toes with tiny razors,” she said slowly while staring at my imprisoned Care Bear.
“What?!” I whispered to her while looking at Tugs from the corner of my eye.
“Yes, your toys might do very bad things to you if you don’t treat them good.”
I stared at her in disbelief.
She stood up and walked towards the doorway.
“Mijo, I brought you some tortillas. Come in the kitchen and let’s warm them up,” Rosa said casually.
From then on, Tugs sat on a tufted pillow on my dresser while I slept in velcro shoes for the next year. Growing up in my Mexican-American family meant that everything was possibly alive and watching you.