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Letters to Rictus: “My daughter wants fake tetas, not a quinceañera. Should I get violent with her?”



Hi, Doña Rictus. I’m a virgen María-fearing mother and I, along with the rest of my sisters, have been trying to organize a beautiful quinceañera for my 14-year-old daughter. I still remember my own quince like it was yesterday; I wore a 100 lb pastel pink dress, had 20 hot chambelanes, we served super spicy birria de chivo to the guests — it gave stomach ulcers to everyone who ate it — and my dad crushed my feet with the work boots he wore under his tux while drunkenly dancing “Tiempo de vals” with me.

Although at the time I wanted to murder everyone because I had severe teen angst and zero social skills, those were the best moments of my life. I want my daughter to have a similar experience. Instead, she’s asking for fake boobs, ass injections, says she wants to be like Cardi B, is going to marry a Jewish guy, and doesn’t want anything to do with my “embarrassing folkloric culture.”

How can I convince her to change her mind? Should I get violent with her? Please advise, comadre.

– Mamá Preocupada

Dear Mamá Preocupada, *takes off her reading glasses*

I’m assuming you live in the US, so no, don’t get violent with your daughter. American law takes physical violence — no matter how righteous — quite seriously. If you still lived in Latin America, I would personally lend you my rosary, which was blessed by Juan Pablo II himself, so that you can choke your daughter with it until she comes to her senses (I keep it stashed in my warm bosom, ready for these kinds of emergencies).

But, listen, when you introduce your offspring to a new culture, they can’t take reap the advantages of their new environment without acquiring its disadvantages — that’s just part of the deal. You’re daughter is gonna be “woke” now — what a hideous word — and probably won’t appreciate your culture, unless she discovers it by herself.

It’s complicated.

At least you’re not alone; in 2017 “¿cómo rezar el santo rosario?” [how to pray using the holy rosary] was one of Google’s top searches. This blasphemous generation has been losing their faith faster than Maluma fans have been losing their self-respect.

Again, as a parent, it can be difficult to push your culture on your own children because responsible adults are never cool to teenagers. But, since self-conscious teens love to be into artists their peers don’t know about, try pointing your daughter towards great, long-forgotten Latina darlings, such as Alaska, the Spanish punk princess who’s actually Mexican; Chavela Vargas, the unapologetically lesbian *se persigna in Spanish* Mexican ranchera singer who’s actually Costa Rican; or Lucha Reyes, the Peruvian Afro-Latina who’s actually, well, Peruvian.

If none of that works, go full Susan Sontag on your daughter and educate her ignorant 14-year-old ass on the complex camp qualities of quinceañeras. If you need visuals to go along with your lecture, use Colibritany’s “Mi sexy chambelán,” the most brilliant YouTube video ever:

Lastly, you do know Jesus was Jewish, right? Don’t be antisemitic, Mamá Preocupada.

Doña Rictus

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María Rubio was so good as Catalina Creel, an iconic telenovela villain, the role ruined her career




According to sources on Twitter, and also TvNotas, the holy bible of Mexican gossip, María Rubio, the legendary actress best known for her role as Catalina Creel de Larios in Cuna de lobos, has passed away. She was 83 years old.

Thanks to her role as Soraya Montenegro in María la del Barrio, Itati Cantoral has been dominating the internet with an insane amount of memes, gifs, and even a House of Cards promo special. Itati blew up in the mid ’90s, when older millennials were still teens, and she’s that generation’s go-to character when it comes to Mexican telenovela villains.

Yes, Cantoral was great as Soraya, but the top dog in the telenovela villain game was — and has always been — María Rubio. The Tijuana-born actress was so good in Cuna de lobos that, according to an interview she did with Cristina Saralegui, the role ruined her career:

“[Catalina Creel] was a difficult, beloved character. I enjoyed playing her, but she also hurt me a lot. People completely forgot about María Rubio and now it seems that, after 40 years of being an actress, I’ve only done Catalina Creel.”

Catalina, a murderous matriarch, was known for having some of the best one-liners in telenovela history. But in the same interview with Saralegui, which was filmed over 20 years ago, María proved to be just as cunning and smart as her infamous character, but also incredibly funny:

“[Although I played a villain], I’ve received nothing but compliments, love, and admiration. Never aggression. I think viewers do attack the bad ones — bad actresses, that is.”

If you understand Spanish, check out the hilarious interview below. Watch María viciously own everyone in a panel of full of young telenovela villains:

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Traumatic advice from aunt Rosa: “Don’t torture your Care Bear, Mijo. Or else.”




I was 6 years old when I yelled at Tugs, my Care Bear. I put him in time-out for not agreeing to the rules of an imaginary game I had just created.

I built a little time-out fortress for him to stay in while I played with my other toys. Coincidentally my tía Rosa was visiting that day. I urged her to see all my toys when she came into the house. I also explained to her that Tugs was in time-out, to which she replied in shock, “Mijo, mira, You have to be nice to your toys.”

I replied, “Tía, I am nice to my toys, but I’m teaching him a lesson.”

She contested nervously, “No, Mijo, you have to be nice to your toys or they might not be nice to you.”

I wasn’t following her logic.

Mijo, if you’re not nice to your toys, then at night time they might wake up and crawl into your bed to cut your toes with tiny razors,” she said slowly while staring at my imprisoned Care Bear.

“What?!” I whispered to her while looking at Tugs from the corner of my eye.

“Yes, your toys might do very bad things to you if you don’t treat them good.”

I stared at her in disbelief.

She stood up and walked towards the doorway.

Mijo, I brought you some tortillas. Come in the kitchen and let’s warm them up,” Rosa said casually.

From then on, Tugs sat on a tufted pillow on my dresser while I slept in velcro shoes for the next year. Growing up in my Mexican-American family meant that everything was possibly alive and watching you.

Felix III – Journeys the cosmos via Holy Hands Vol. 2. Rents a one-bedroom on Neptune. IG: @Futurefelix / Twitter: @thefuturefelix

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