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Don’t fight the stereotype: what kind of Latin papi are you?

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Simply put, the prototypical Latin papi can be defined as a good-looking, ass-shaking, seductive man from a Spanish-speaking country. Whether you despise or cherish that imagery is entirely up to you, but, without getting into the pros and cons of the label, let’s do a brief analysis of some of the most prominent papi pop stars in Latinoland. Why? Because these people are largely responsible for the stereotype.

Note: this is a very short list because I ran out of time/interest to write about other possible inductees (Marc Anthony, Ricardo Arjona, Miguel Bosé, Ricky Martin, etc). If you’re feeling creative and have nothing better to do with you life, write up your own profiles in the comments.

Beso, papi.


Why are thou, Romeo?

Tough on the outside, soft — really soft — on the inside

romeo-santos-papi-list

Although fully established as a deeply philosophical papi, Romeo Santos is a newcomer compared to the rest of the dudes on this list. But even if his timeline is lacking in length, Anthony’s cheeseball factor seems to extend beyond any foreseeable limit. After all, we’re talking about a big, tall, imposing man who, somewhat hilariously, makes women cream their panties by singing his entire repertoire in a Mariah Carey–like falsetto. You have to understand, people, there’s so much love and melodrama emanating from Santos, that he had no choice but to name himself after one of Shakespeare’s most tragically romantic characters. (BTW, if Romeo ever voices a cartoon character, it should be a helium-addicted Pepé Le Pew.)


Bukiness is next to godliness

The dilf

Marco-Antonio-Solis-papi-list

Marco Antonio Solís is the ultimate suave papi. His Jesus-like appearance used to freak you out when you were a kid, but he’s been making your mother swoon since before you were born. In fact, it’s highly possible that you were conceived to his music. Understand that not very many men can successfully rock a headband. But don’t let his godly, dilf-like appearance fool ya; back in the ’80s, while producing her music, “el Buki Mayor” engaged in a scandalous relationship with Marisela, whom at the time was underage and barely spoke Spanish. God is in the details, kids, so remember: the devil is supposed to be one of the most beautiful angels.


Like father, like son

The papi with daddy issues

Enrique-Iglesias-papi-list

In the early ’90s Enrique Iglesias used to portray himself as an innocent ballader. He was just a pretty boy singing pretty songs. Oh, sure, Quique’s pedigree was grand and renown—his father a best-selling artist, his mother a wealthy aristocrat—but he was just a timid, awkward kid who wore oversize long-sleeved shirts while singing in front TV cameras. Fast-forward to this decade and Enrique is now the kind of guy who nonchalantly leans on half-naked women while bragging about being “a freak.” Dude got rid of his dorky demeanor the same way he got rid of his mole. Just like Julio, his father — with whom Enrique has a very passive-aggressive relationship — Quique has been very successful at selling his Latin papi persona to the world. Good for him and all, but it should be noted that 80% of his fan base are now fist-pumping bros and their female counterparts.


Don’t look directly at the sun

The kind-of-a-dick papi (and that’s why people like him)

luis-miguel-papi-2

A papi is known as much for his music as for his womanizing (Mariah Carey, Stephanie Salas, Daisy Fuentes, Myrka Dellanos, Aracely Arámbula, Lucía Méndez, etc.), “el Sol de México” could easily be in a category of his own. Mostly because everybody deals with Luis Miguel on his terms and not the other way around. Meaning you don’t grant him an interview, a magazine cover, or live coverage—no, he grants those to you. And while many established artists still rely on big media to promote their work (see everyone else on this list), it’s been years since Luis Miguel last spoke to a legit reporter, showed up to an awards show, or posed for a photo. Social media? Like, communicating with some dirty peasant over the interwebz? No, thanks. Luis Miguel and his supposedly small penis don’t need that kind of lowbrow attention.

Surprisingly, even with all of his stuck up, bitchy behavior, Luis Miguel’s concerts always sell out and gossip shows, such as El Gordo y La Flaca and Ventaneando, constantly report even the most mundane details of his life.


Time to waltz

The spot-on, perfect papi 

chayanne-papi-list

Elmer Figueroa Arce, aka Chayanne, is actually a prime example of a Latin papi. Think about it: he’s a great dancer, a decent singer and, unlike the rest of the dudes on this list, he’s never been involved in any sort of media scandal, which makes him a class act. Plus Chayanne is never going to ask some whack singer, such as Pitbull or Usher, to groan and moan all over his tracks. Most importantly, Elmer understands his limitations and never goes over his head. He makes two kinds of songs, and two kinds of songs only: the romantic ballad and the upbeat club hit. No hip-hop crossover, no dubstep foolishness. And did you see Chayanne dance “Tiempo de vals” with his own daughter? This man is the perfect, dreamy dad.

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Oh, right. Old-school Mexicans humiliate their children by pretending they don’t exist.

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I’ve been visiting my mother, and all of our immediate family, for the last week. They’re old-school, rural Mexicans. The kind who always offer food, even if they hate you.

I’m in my mid 30s now, and have been living on my own since I was 18, so at our gatherings I get a proper adult seat at the table. They listen to what I have to say, but it wasn’t always like that.

It’s not like that for my younger relatives, either. At family reunions, I see them out of the periphery of my eye. They’re trying to get a word in, but those older Mexicans won’t allow it. Why would they? What have those mocosos (snot-nosed kids) done to deserve anybody’s respect? Did they pay for their food? For the roof over their head? For their car, gas, clothes? No? Then they don’t exist.

Yes, they’re physically there, but unless they can prove their worth through monetary independence, they’re no one. If they try to make their voices heard, they’ll be silenced by a death stare, or an abrupt change in conversation.

If they persist, other humiliations will be flung at them, such as being asked to do something entirely meaningless, just like their opinion. “Vete a ver si ya puso la marrana” (go see if one of the pigs laid an egg) is a classic. My grandma had one of the most bizarre just-get-the-fuck-out-of-here phrases, which I’ve never heard elsewhere: “Vete a descular hormigas” (go chop the asses off ants).

I know these Mexicans sound like assholes, but they’re like that because they believe in resilience, not fragility. Giving encouragement to a mentally and physically healthy person seems redundant to them. Those people already have all they need to succeed, they’ll think.

To gain their respect, at the very least a person will need to become self-sufficient. That’s how you earn the right to sit with them. Either you’re with that, or you’re not there at all.

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“Trump Dating” site doesn’t want the gays, but allows the “happily married” to join

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You can even be mad at Trump Dating, a new website for lonely — or not so lonely, but just promiscuous — maganogamous people. It’s a perfect representation of their cherished administration, since it’s also homophobic — it only allows “straight” women or men to sign up — and, just like Trump, it’s all about adulterous relationships:

“When you kick off the process of starting a profile, you get two options for labeling yourself — ‘straight man’ or ‘straight woman.’

Yet according to Trump Dating’s rather strange drop-down menus, married people are welcome. For a relationship status, the site offers options like ‘have a significant other,’ ‘happily married,’ and ‘unhappily married.'”

And since no self-respecting republican-specific dating site should exist unless it takes an issue with race, Trump Dating allows their users to be super specific about their genealogy:

“The ethnicity options also seemed oddly specific. In addition to the typical categories, the site includes choices like ‘Scandinavian,’ ‘Polynesian,’ ‘Eastern European,’ ‘Western European,’ ‘Mediterranean,’ and ‘Eskimo,’ a term used to label the indigenous people of Alaska, Canada, and Greenland that is considered offensive and inaccurate.”

OMG, you guys. There better be a second menu where users can identify which of the five Aryan subtype races — Nordic, Mediterranean, Dinaric, Alpine, and East Baltic — they belong to. Otherwise the server room of this Trump Dating is gonna get tiki torched.

Anyway, where you at, Chispa, the “Tinder for Latinos”? You gonna let Trump Dating walk all over you? You need to re-brand to DACA Dong, Canelo Kennedy Courting, or something.

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