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Enrique Iglesias is a part-time singer, full-time survivor of psychological child abuse

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So you think you have daddy issues because your father never taught you how to ride a bike? Or because the only reason he would ever put his beer down was not to give you a warm hug, but to violently shake you because you lost the TV remote? Please, kids. Save your crocodile tears for someone else. Get off the prayer kneeler, the equivalent of the therapy couch for us Catholics, and make room for Enrique Iglesias, the part-time singer — as in, even in the middle of a song, he only sings half the time — and full-time victim of psychological child abuse.

You see, unlike Sean Lennon or Jakob Dylan, Enrique Iglesias has come very close to surpassing his father’s fame. Such a feat should be enough to impress any world-famous dad, but, when asked about his son’s career, hard-ass Julio appeared to be amused, but not ecstatic:

“I am very proud of Enrique — he is a super guy. You know it’s not as easy to follow in the same steps as that of the father. Like, if you play tennis, normally the kid doesn’t play tennis like the father. But Enrique is in the same class of guys like Michael Douglas and Liza Minnelli. The music is very different to mine and he has gone his own way, I don’t like to interfere with that. I don’t have to say whether I like it or not. He is doing very well, he is a clever guy and he is very charming.”

Liza Minnelli, Julio?! You might as well call your son the La Toya of the Jackson’s because we all know Lorna Luft, Liza’s sister, has all the talent in that family. Also, “he is a super guy” and “I don’t have to say whether I like it or not” is no “my son is fucking amazing!” in terms of showing your support.

*Imitates Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting* “It’s not your fault, Enrique. It’s not. Your. Fault.”

Granted, Enrique previously told the press his relationship with his father is basically non-existent, and Julio also confessed that he’s never met Anna Kournikova, Quique’s girlfriend of twelve fucking years. To top it all off, Iglesias Sr. previously mentioned that he would never sing with Enrique because that would come off as “commercial” (Julio, have you met Steve Albini? You guys should totally work together).

enrique vs julio cartel

You should know that Enrique has not been taking his father’s blows sitting down. A couple of years ago, both singers were scheduled to perform in Puebla, Mexico, on the same day, and a few kilometers from each other. Julio knew he was gonna get his comeuppance and, according to Mexican media, was understandably worried:

“I am concerned because Enrique is also performing and I know I’ll lose. It’s tough competition. [Enrique] tells me: ‘Dad, I draw people and you don’t. You’ll be alone.'”

Damn, Enrique — you’re cold.

Look, my little cousin keeps a busted tricycle in my aunt’s backyard. You can borrow it. Maybe Mario Vargas Llosa, your soon-to-be step dad, can spot you?

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María Rubio was so good as Catalina Creel, an iconic telenovela villain, the role ruined her career

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According to sources on Twitter, and also TvNotas, the holy bible of Mexican gossip, María Rubio, the legendary actress best known for her role as Catalina Creel de Larios in Cuna de lobos, has passed away. She was 83 years old.

Thanks to her role as Soraya Montenegro in María la del Barrio, Itati Cantoral has been dominating the internet with an insane amount of memes, gifs, and even a House of Cards promo special. Itati blew up in the mid ’90s, when older millennials were still teens, and she’s that generation’s go-to character when it comes to Mexican telenovela villains.

Yes, Cantoral was great as Soraya, but the top dog in the telenovela villain game was — and has always been — María Rubio. The Tijuana-born actress was so good in Cuna de lobos that, according to an interview she did with Cristina Saralegui, the role ruined her career:

“[Catalina Creel] was a difficult, beloved character. I enjoyed playing her, but she also hurt me a lot. People completely forgot about María Rubio and now it seems that, after 40 years of being an actress, I’ve only done Catalina Creel.”

Catalina, a murderous matriarch, was known for having some of the best one-liners in telenovela history. But in the same interview with Saralegui, which was filmed over 20 years ago, María proved to be just as cunning and smart as her infamous character, but also incredibly funny:

“[Although I played a villain], I’ve received nothing but compliments, love, and admiration. Never aggression. I think viewers do attack the bad ones — bad actresses, that is.”

If you understand Spanish, check out the hilarious interview below. Watch María viciously own everyone in a panel of full of young telenovela villains:

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Traumatic advice from aunt Rosa: “Don’t torture your Care Bear, Mijo. Or else.”

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I was 6 years old when I yelled at Tugs, my Care Bear. I put him in time-out for not agreeing to the rules of an imaginary game I had just created.

I built a little time-out fortress for him to stay in while I played with my other toys. Coincidentally my tía Rosa was visiting that day. I urged her to see all my toys when she came into the house. I also explained to her that Tugs was in time-out, to which she replied in shock, “Mijo, mira, You have to be nice to your toys.”

I replied, “Tía, I am nice to my toys, but I’m teaching him a lesson.”

She contested nervously, “No, Mijo, you have to be nice to your toys or they might not be nice to you.”

I wasn’t following her logic.

Mijo, if you’re not nice to your toys, then at night time they might wake up and crawl into your bed to cut your toes with tiny razors,” she said slowly while staring at my imprisoned Care Bear.

“What?!” I whispered to her while looking at Tugs from the corner of my eye.

“Yes, your toys might do very bad things to you if you don’t treat them good.”

I stared at her in disbelief.

She stood up and walked towards the doorway.

Mijo, I brought you some tortillas. Come in the kitchen and let’s warm them up,” Rosa said casually.

From then on, Tugs sat on a tufted pillow on my dresser while I slept in velcro shoes for the next year. Growing up in my Mexican-American family meant that everything was possibly alive and watching you.


Felix III – Journeys the cosmos via Holy Hands Vol. 2. Rents a one-bedroom on Neptune. IG: @Futurefelix / Twitter: @thefuturefelix


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