Last night Primer Impacto nearly killed me twice. First, physically; I was eating a bowl of corn chips with Valentina hot sauce and lime — these Mexican habits of mine — and I almost choked on a handful of them when they broadcasted a preview of El hijo secreto de Juan Gabriel, a exclusive interview with a supposedly unknown, unheard of, secret son of Juanga.
Like I’m sure most of you right now, I too was struck by caution because, well, Prime Impacto is Univision’s equivalent of your hysterical, boozy, Percocet-addicted aunt — and you know she’ll say anything to get attention. But besides taking whatever comes out of Primer Impacto‘s mouth with a grain of salt, I stuffed my mouth with more salty, soggy, spicy chips.
Just like millions of bored Latina housewives (Primer Impacto‘s core demographic), I kept watching their exclusive because it was Monday night and my fat-ass had nothing else was going on. Since the interview took place in Arizona, at first I figured Univison paid some random Mexican in some horrible suburb of that God-forgotten state to play the part of Juanga’s illegitimate offspring. But five minutes into the interview, Primer Impacto nearly killed me for a second time, but this time from over gasping and psychological trauma because listening, observing, analyzing, and scrutinizing everything Luis Alberto Aguilera said, I have no doubt in my mind that he really is Juan Gabriel’s son. It’s either that or he’s the best actor in the world — and one with a healthy budget for plastic surgery — or, like, some sci-fi clone in which Juan Gabriel implanted himself in.
Unlike Iván Aguilera, Juanga’s socially-accepted biological son and the one ‘El Divo de Juárez’ procreated with a woman named Laura Salas, Luis Alberto’s face, his mannerisms, his voice, his demeanor — everything resembles Juan Gabriel. I thought I was tripping and imagining things at first — I mean, those Valentina manufacturers are probably putting some illegal-ass condiments in their deliciously addictive hot sauce — so I consulted with all my comadres. And by “consulted,” I mean I started reading YouTube comments from other scandalized señoras, such as one Marisabel Vasquez Romero:
This kid really is my Juanga’s son. I mean he’s identical to him from the inside out; he’s straightforward, humble, his gestures, the way he speaks, his voice, and his astonishing face. He’s exactly like my Juanga when he was young.
Primer Impacto didn’t want to
continually make fools of themselves, so they thoroughly investigated Luis Alberto, who’s currently 26 years old, and forced him to produce a birth certificate, pictures, emails, and even a house deed, all of which check out. After all, El Divo just died last month, so plenty of charlatans have come forward and everyone and their dog is now claiming to be a friend-cousin-lover-doctor-therapist of la Juanga.
Turns out that Luis is the son of Guadalupe, one of Juan Gabriel’s housekeepers and, according to the Spanish reporter doing the segment, Luis was conceived “naturally.” Because the devil is in the details, you’ll probably want to know that Iván, Juanga’s first biological son who’s now in his mid 30’s, was a test tube baby (“conceived through in vitro,” said one rep to Raúl de Molina).
Earlier this month, Iván gave a kind of disastrous interview to Raúl de Molina. The awkwardness was understandable because his father had just died and he was very emotional, but he still came off as dry, nervous, uncomfortable, and irritable. The fact that Iván doesn’t speak good Spanish didn’t help his cause at all.
On the other hand, last night Luis completely nailed every single question with the perfect answer. He was endearing, charming, well-spoken, and very accesible. He spoke of the great relationship he had with his father and how he respected the other family, their privacy, and their decisions. Quite gracious, he was.
So why did Juan Gabriel keep the existence of Luis under wraps? Possibly because Laura Salas, his first baby mama who’s also a mother to Juanga’s three other adopted children, wanted to be seen as his main squeeze. Also, I’m not sure if Guadalupe was a housekeeper at the house where Laura lived (Juan Gabriel had many homes), though that seems to be hinted at by Luis, who says his mother and Laura did know each other. Knowing this, I have to assume Juan Gabriel wanted to avoid pulling an Arnold Schwarzenegger, meaning he didn’t want to force his Maria Shriver to live with his Mildred Baena.
Note: You can only watch the original Primer Impacto interview if you live in the US. If you don’t, check out the pirated interview, which has been split two, below before it disappears: