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You probably don’t care, but Joaquín “Chapo” Guzmán had a lot sex while he was an inmate

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Ever since he was captured for the third time, the media has been reporting on the “extreme” measures being taken so that Joaquín “Chapo” Guzmán doesn’t walk out nonchalantly escape from jail the way he previously did, which was incredibly embarrassing for the Mexican government — that is, if we pretend the Mexican government knows the meaning of the word “shame.”

So what kind of hardcore measures are we talking about here? Well, in addition to being moved to a different cell every time he blinks, Joaquín is observed 24/7 by security camereas, and prison floors have been reinforced with steel:

The prison has installed 400 new cameras throughout the prison. Authorities hope to add another 600 by April. Guards with orders to record Guzman at all times follow him wearing helmet-mounted cameras, the newspaper said. Anticipating that Guzman might attempt another tunnel escape, prison floors have been reinforced with three-quarter-inch steel rods.

In addition to all that mess, motion sensors have also been installed, and access to Chapo is heavily restricted.

That last part is especially interesting because, as it is being reported by Azteca Noticias, the previous time Guzmán landed in the same prison — he’s back at Altiplano — dude was allowed to roam around the high-security fortress like he owned it.

As you’ll see in the graphic below, Chapo was in jail for 477 days. During that time Guzmán’s lawyers saw him on 272 occasions, his family stopped by 68 times, he got 46 conjugal visits, and spent 4,632 hours outside his cell:

chapo sexo internado

So even when he was locked up in a high-security prison, Chapo had more of a social and sex life than most of us on the outside. Damn.

BTW, the only time Joaquín seems to have hung around his cell was to sleep, watch television, or to fuck around in his iPad (see below), which means he probably plotted his entire escape using Snapchat and emoticons. (Chapo was probably using Tindr to rack up more conjugal visits — LIKE A BOSS.)

chapo ipad

Now that the news cycle is focused on him, other sensational stories are being reported about Chapo, including a rumor which insinuates he got a coke dick-defeating implant in his testicles, and the salacious text messages he sent Kate Del Castillo.

Oh, Chapo. You keep us young with your crazy adventures.

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Oh, right. Old-school Mexicans humiliate their children by pretending they don’t exist.

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I’ve been visiting my mother, and all of our immediate family, for the last week. They’re old-school, rural Mexicans. The kind who always offer food, even if they hate you.

I’m in my mid 30s now, and have been living on my own since I was 18, so at our gatherings I get a proper adult seat at the table. They listen to what I have to say, but it wasn’t always like that.

It’s not like that for my younger relatives, either. At family reunions, I see them out of the periphery of my eye. They’re trying to get a word in, but those older Mexicans won’t allow it. Why would they? What have those mocosos (snot-nosed kids) done to deserve anybody’s respect? Did they pay for their food? For the roof over their head? For their car, gas, clothes? No? Then they don’t exist.

Yes, they’re physically there, but unless they can prove their worth through monetary independence, they’re no one. If they try to make their voices heard, they’ll be silenced by a death stare, or an abrupt change in conversation.

If they persist, other humiliations will be flung at them, such as being asked to do something entirely meaningless, just like their opinion. “Vete a ver si ya puso la marrana” (go see if one of the pigs laid an egg) is a classic. My grandma had one of the most bizarre just-get-the-fuck-out-of-here phrases, which I’ve never heard elsewhere: “Vete a descular hormigas” (go chop the asses off ants).

I know these Mexicans sound like assholes, but they’re like that because they believe in resilience, not fragility. Giving encouragement to a mentally and physically healthy person seems redundant to them. Those people already have all they need to succeed, they’ll think.

To gain their respect, at the very least a person will need to become self-sufficient. That’s how you earn the right to sit with them. Either you’re with that, or you’re not there at all.

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“Trump Dating” site doesn’t want the gays, but allows the “happily married” to join

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You can even be mad at Trump Dating, a new website for lonely — or not so lonely, but just promiscuous — maganogamous people. It’s a perfect representation of their cherished administration, since it’s also homophobic — it only allows “straight” women or men to sign up — and, just like Trump, it’s all about adulterous relationships:

“When you kick off the process of starting a profile, you get two options for labeling yourself — ‘straight man’ or ‘straight woman.’

Yet according to Trump Dating’s rather strange drop-down menus, married people are welcome. For a relationship status, the site offers options like ‘have a significant other,’ ‘happily married,’ and ‘unhappily married.'”

And since no self-respecting republican-specific dating site should exist unless it takes an issue with race, Trump Dating allows their users to be super specific about their genealogy:

“The ethnicity options also seemed oddly specific. In addition to the typical categories, the site includes choices like ‘Scandinavian,’ ‘Polynesian,’ ‘Eastern European,’ ‘Western European,’ ‘Mediterranean,’ and ‘Eskimo,’ a term used to label the indigenous people of Alaska, Canada, and Greenland that is considered offensive and inaccurate.”

OMG, you guys. There better be a second menu where users can identify which of the five Aryan subtype races — Nordic, Mediterranean, Dinaric, Alpine, and East Baltic — they belong to. Otherwise the server room of this Trump Dating is gonna get tiki torched.

Anyway, where you at, Chispa, the “Tinder for Latinos”? You gonna let Trump Dating walk all over you? You need to re-brand to DACA Dong, Canelo Kennedy Courting, or something.

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