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You probably don’t care, but Joaquín “Chapo” Guzmán had a lot sex while he was an inmate

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Ever since he was captured for the third time, the media has been reporting on the “extreme” measures being taken so that Joaquín “Chapo” Guzmán doesn’t walk out nonchalantly escape from jail the way he previously did, which was incredibly embarrassing for the Mexican government — that is, if we pretend the Mexican government knows the meaning of the word “shame.”

So what kind of hardcore measures are we talking about here? Well, in addition to being moved to a different cell every time he blinks, Joaquín is observed 24/7 by security camereas, and prison floors have been reinforced with steel:

The prison has installed 400 new cameras throughout the prison. Authorities hope to add another 600 by April. Guards with orders to record Guzman at all times follow him wearing helmet-mounted cameras, the newspaper said. Anticipating that Guzman might attempt another tunnel escape, prison floors have been reinforced with three-quarter-inch steel rods.

In addition to all that mess, motion sensors have also been installed, and access to Chapo is heavily restricted.

That last part is especially interesting because, as it is being reported by Azteca Noticias, the previous time Guzmán landed in the same prison — he’s back at Altiplano — dude was allowed to roam around the high-security fortress like he owned it.

As you’ll see in the graphic below, Chapo was in jail for 477 days. During that time Guzmán’s lawyers saw him on 272 occasions, his family stopped by 68 times, he got 46 conjugal visits, and spent 4,632 hours outside his cell:

chapo sexo internado

So even when he was locked up in a high-security prison, Chapo had more of a social and sex life than most of us on the outside. Damn.

BTW, the only time Joaquín seems to have hung around his cell was to sleep, watch television, or to fuck around in his iPad (see below), which means he probably plotted his entire escape using Snapchat and emoticons. (Chapo was probably using Tindr to rack up more conjugal visits — LIKE A BOSS.)

chapo ipad

Now that the news cycle is focused on him, other sensational stories are being reported about Chapo, including a rumor which insinuates he got a coke dick-defeating implant in his testicles, and the salacious text messages he sent Kate Del Castillo.

Oh, Chapo. You keep us young with your crazy adventures.

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María Rubio was so good as Catalina Creel, an iconic telenovela villain, the role ruined her career

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According to sources on Twitter, and also TvNotas, the holy bible of Mexican gossip, María Rubio, the legendary actress best known for her role as Catalina Creel de Larios in Cuna de lobos, has passed away. She was 83 years old.

Thanks to her role as Soraya Montenegro in María la del Barrio, Itati Cantoral has been dominating the internet with an insane amount of memes, gifs, and even a House of Cards promo special. Itati blew up in the mid ’90s, when older millennials were still teens, and she’s that generation’s go-to character when it comes to Mexican telenovela villains.

Yes, Cantoral was great as Soraya, but the top dog in the telenovela villain game was — and has always been — María Rubio. The Tijuana-born actress was so good in Cuna de lobos that, according to an interview she did with Cristina Saralegui, the role ruined her career:

“[Catalina Creel] was a difficult, beloved character. I enjoyed playing her, but she also hurt me a lot. People completely forgot about María Rubio and now it seems that, after 40 years of being an actress, I’ve only done Catalina Creel.”

Catalina, a murderous matriarch, was known for having some of the best one-liners in telenovela history. But in the same interview with Saralegui, which was filmed over 20 years ago, María proved to be just as cunning and smart as her infamous character, but also incredibly funny:

“[Although I played a villain], I’ve received nothing but compliments, love, and admiration. Never aggression. I think viewers do attack the bad ones — bad actresses, that is.”

If you understand Spanish, check out the hilarious interview below. Watch María viciously own everyone in a panel of full of young telenovela villains:

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Traumatic advice from aunt Rosa: “Don’t torture your Care Bear, Mijo. Or else.”

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I was 6 years old when I yelled at Tugs, my Care Bear. I put him in time-out for not agreeing to the rules of an imaginary game I had just created.

I built a little time-out fortress for him to stay in while I played with my other toys. Coincidentally my tía Rosa was visiting that day. I urged her to see all my toys when she came into the house. I also explained to her that Tugs was in time-out, to which she replied in shock, “Mijo, mira, You have to be nice to your toys.”

I replied, “Tía, I am nice to my toys, but I’m teaching him a lesson.”

She contested nervously, “No, Mijo, you have to be nice to your toys or they might not be nice to you.”

I wasn’t following her logic.

Mijo, if you’re not nice to your toys, then at night time they might wake up and crawl into your bed to cut your toes with tiny razors,” she said slowly while staring at my imprisoned Care Bear.

“What?!” I whispered to her while looking at Tugs from the corner of my eye.

“Yes, your toys might do very bad things to you if you don’t treat them good.”

I stared at her in disbelief.

She stood up and walked towards the doorway.

Mijo, I brought you some tortillas. Come in the kitchen and let’s warm them up,” Rosa said casually.

From then on, Tugs sat on a tufted pillow on my dresser while I slept in velcro shoes for the next year. Growing up in my Mexican-American family meant that everything was possibly alive and watching you.


Felix III – Journeys the cosmos via Holy Hands Vol. 2. Rents a one-bedroom on Neptune. IG: @Futurefelix / Twitter: @thefuturefelix


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