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I made 62 cents writing for you last month and now I feel like Carlos Slim

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So I quit my day job a couple of months ago and, to ease the boredom that gestates inside like some gross multi-brown baby, I’ve been populating Rictus with dumb-ass rants. Rants that, quite surprisingly — because, honestly, some of this stuff is really stupid — were looked at over 20,000 times in January, according to Google’s Analytics:

But Google is that passive-aggressive friend which tells you it wants your to succeed, but is secretly waiting for you to try so that it can humiliate you for doing so. That’s why the company sent me an email a few days ago to inform me of the traffic spike on this humble blog, and today it followed up with a “here’s your .62 cents of AdSense money, Scrooge Mcduck”:

Nice, Google. You should meet my melodramatic aunt. You’d get along famously.

But you know what? It doesn’t matter that last week José, the other Rictus dude, sent me an article about how a few writers were making insane amounts of money — especially for the digital realm — because Fusion, which is now Splinter, hired them back when the young venture was drunk with power (Disney was buying all the drinks):

“It is worth remembering that Salmon was not alone in the Fu$ion hiring $pree of 2014-15. Alexis Madrigal, Kevin Roose, Anna Holmes, Dodai Stewart, and Hillary Frey are a few of the big-name hires Fusion ‘[showered] with TV money, doling out salaries around the $300,000 and $500,000 range for marquee hires,’ reported Kara Bloomgarden-Smoke in WWD.”

I wrote a few articles for Fusion myself, but damn — I had no idea The Mouse put down the black Amex at the bar! That’s the last time I ask for well drinks on another person’s tab. #youstayhumbleifyouwantkendrick

Alas, The Awl and Gothamist, among other sites favored by media geeks, are dead now. And since monetizing digital content has turned into the lets-all-chase-millennials-with-dumb-memes-clickbait-and-viral-videos game, my 62 Google cents make me feel like Carlos Slim.

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Culture

A “satanic” doll called “Rosita” has been terrorizing Mexican women for decades

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You in the mood for some magical realism? Then meet Rosita, a “satanic” doll who’s been terrorizing Mexican women for decades.

Al Rojo Vivo, a semi-serious news show on Telemundo *shakes head in embarrassment,* caught up with Rosalba, Rosita’s owner, to get the full story. It turns that Rosita was purchased 42 years ago in Saltillo, a city in the Mexican state of Coahuila, as a gift for one of Rosalba’s unborn children.

BUT THEN ROSITA KELP MURDERING ROSALBA’S KIDS.

Just kidding. But apparently some weird shit did start to happen around the house after the doll’s arrival, like the time when Rosita tried to lasciviously seduce an innocent boy:

“Once a nephew walked into her room, but then quickly ran out. He looked very pale. ‘What’s wrong with you?’ we asked him, and he told us the doll started winking at him while she sat in a rocking chair.”

Kid, relax. Rosita is 42-years-old. She was probably just trying to get some because a) you’re her size, and b) homegirl is not getting any younger.

But Al Rojo Vivo is all about producing hard-hitting stories with well-sourced journalism, which is why they interviewed what appears to be some random señora:

“Seeing her… yeah, it’s weird.”

Rosa, don’t listen them. You’re not satanic or weird. Those women are just jealous because you still look like you’re ten and they don’t. You’re a strong, independent, and sexually-liberated doll who’s just trying to do her thing. #youdoyoudoll

Check out Rosita’s story below.

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Culture

Myrka Dellanos should punch people, like Raul de Molina, whenever they ask her about Luis Miguel

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From 1992 until 2004, Myrka Dellanos was the main reason why most people watched Primer Impacto, Univision’s second-worst show after Sábado Gigante. Yes, viewers liked María Celeste Arrarás, Myrka’s then co-host who’s been doing her thing on Telemundo’s Al Rojo Vivo, but Dellanos always seemed cooler.

The beautiful Cuban-American dressed like a hip ’90s girl when she was off the clock, and had a fun, bubbly personality. MTV had Daisy Fuentes, Univision had Myrka Dellanos.

But in the mid ’00s, after her contract ended with Univision, the cherished host began to fade into obscurity. Years later she turned up in Estrella TV, a network where d-list Latino stars are banished to after they become too embarrassing even for Televisa.

Having been asked to host Good Morning America in her heyday, Myrka’s star power has always been above Estrella TV — and Univision, to be honest — which might be the reason why her social media networks have been ballooning over the years.

This week Dellanos, now 52, made a surprise visit to El Gordo y La Flaca and revealed she’s been booked by her old network to host Premios lo Nuestro this Thursday. But like all of Luis Miguel’s victims — including Daisy Fuentes, oddly enough — poor Myrka has been enduring a life sentence of having to speak about “El Sol” whenever she’s placed in front of a camera:

Myrka was way too tolerant of Raul de Molina’s barbs, but she seriously needs a clause in her contract that allows her to punch people in the face if they bring up her ex-boyfriends.

Get Lisa Bloom all over this, Myrka.

Also, welcome back.

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