¡Escándalo! is a gossip column where Rictus writers reflect on the deep, profound, and serious issues which concern the Latino community at large.
Hey, kids! Waddup? You ready for them Christmas festivities I totally don’t partake in because my family is weird? Awesome. But before you do your thing with Santa & co., we should go over all the fun stuff that’s been happening these last few days.
Take the Miss Universe pageant where everyone — especially Colombians — have been throwing a hissy fit over Steve Harvey’s now-infamous fuck up. Some really dumb people actually took out their rage on Oscar D’Leon because Oscar physically resembles Harvey, which would almost be funny if they we’rent being serious.
And although nobody seems to be in more denial than Miss Colombia herself over the real pageant results (she’s been posting pictures of herself on Instagram essentially pretending like she really did win the competition), it was Perez Hilton, a judge on the show, who called Ariadna María Gutiérrez Arévalo (Miss Colombia) a “diva bitch”:
I don’t know if the people at home could see this, but Miss Colombia was being a straight-up diva bitch, he said. ‘[She was] rude to her translator. She was giving the most awful side-eye, throwing major shade … Miss Colombia was not happy with the pace or the way that the translator was translating.’
That’s why God works in mysterious, humiliating ways, kids. And this would also be a good time to say just how terrible the Miss Universe pageant really is — like, in every concebible way — and how it’s really embarrassing that anybody takes it seriously.
But, speaking of Colombia, using marihuana for medicinal purposes is now legal in the lovely country. Yes, this last fact is news, not gossip, but stop bitching because it’s still pretty cool:
Lastly, all this month gossip rags and television shows have been ranting about how Luis Miguel might possibly die because he canceled his entire American tour on a whim. Well, maybe not on a whim since, according to his own people, Luismi and his small penis have not “been able to fully recover his health due to his multiple work engagements.”
So what does the ultime mirrey poster boy do to get back into working shape? Does he sequester himself in some depressing clinic with terrible wallpaper, décor, and an ugly staff? Of course not. He’s not a poor person like us.
True to his ostentatious mirreyness, El Sol prefers to visit Beverly Hills, hook up with his
kinda busted ex-fling Brittny Gastineau, and drink wine in the back of an SUV while reading a copy of Frank Sinatra’s memoir:
Happy holidays, poors!