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Banderas to pay $65k in alimony, Paulina Rubio is prego, Longoria debuts unfunny show

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Banderas to pay $65k in alimony, Paulina Rubio is prego, Longoria debuts unfunny show

¡Escándalo! is a gossip column where Rictus writers reflect on the deep, profound, and serious issues which concern the Latino community at large. 

Antonio Banderas divorced Melanie Griffith over a year ago, but sorting out the little things, such as who gets to keep the Picasso, the Rivera, the house in Aspen, and the mansion in Marbella, is something that almost every couple has go to through — well, rich celebrity couples, that is. (Your ex-wife settled everything with your broke ass after splitting the remainder of that Bud Light 12-pack you hid under the couch.)

Banderas and Griffith were smart enough to sign a prenup and are only splitting whatever they made post 2004. However, Antonio will still have to fork over a monthly sum of $65k Melanie, says TMZ.

paulina rubio embarazadaBut speaking of bitter divorces to Spanish men, Paulina Rubio is pregnant with her second child. You probably didn’t know this because no one but myself, TvNotas and El gordo y la flaca pays attention to Rubio anymore, but she’s been dating one dude by the name of Gerardo Bazúa. He used to be Paulina’s student back when she was coaching La Voz, the Mexican version of The Voice where marginally talented artists try to coach amateurs who usually sing better than the coaches themselves.

But now Gerardo is about to turn into Paulina’s student of baby daddyhood while also doubling as a human stroller, just like Paulina’s personal assistant. Wanna see a baby bump? Here’s a video Rubio bouncing her unborn child all over a stage:

And speaking of talent hacks, NBC premiered Eva Longoria’s Telenovela, a show which tries to parody what is already a parody, but forgets to at least be accidentally funny:

Longoria stars as Ana Sofia, the over-the-top glamorous center of a long-running telenovela that gets a little frothier when her real-life ex Xavier (Jencarlos Canela) is added to the cast. Unfortunately, there’s no real chemistry between them as actors or characters, a problem seen throughout Telenovela. Diana Maria Riva as the wardrobe queen and best friend to Ana Sofia probably works best, with Gael (Jose Moreno Brooks) as the hunky gay side character rounding out the trio of on-set friends who manage the drama that envelops Ana Sofia’s life. But that drama isn’t very interesting. It seems … manufactured.

Eva, now you’re just embarrassing yourself — or, actually, not embarrassing yourself enough.  Watch and learn:

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