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Video: Singer from DVICIO announces Juan Gabriel’s Latin Grammy win, asks “Um, where is he?” (he’s DEAD, dude) 

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Apparently Andrés Ceballos, the lead singer of the Spanish pop band DVICIO, lives under Salvador Dalí’s corpse and only recently left the comforting warmth of the surrealist’s furs (they buried him with those fabulous garments) this week. Otherwise, how else will he, or anybody, explain why he had no idea Juan Gabriel, one of the biggest, most well-known performers of Latin America, died over the summer? Spanish-speaking media over the world had the news of Juan Gabriel’s death on repeat for about a month straight, yet, somehow Andrés had no idea.

That’s why dude quickly killed the vibe at last night’s Latin Grammy awards in Las Vegas. After announcing Juan Gabriel had won a posthumous Grammy for Los Duo — frankly it’s not his best record — Andrés asked “¿Dónde ha quedado?” (Where is he?), which immediately sucked the air out of the room. To make matters worse, Ceballos followed up with “Oh, he’s not here? Well, the Academy will surely to get this award to him.”

Yes, Latin Grammy people. You should totally get that award to Juan Gabriel. He’s in pop heaven sitting next to Prince and they’re talking about flashy outfits.

Oh, queridos. Watch the train wreck below:

 

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“Trump Dating” site doesn’t want the gays, but allows the “happily married” to join

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You can even be mad at Trump Dating, a new website for lonely — or not so lonely, but just promiscuous — maganogamous people. It’s a perfect representation of their cherished administration, since it’s also homophobic — it only allows “straight” women or men to sign up — and, just like Trump, it’s all about adulterous relationships:

“When you kick off the process of starting a profile, you get two options for labeling yourself — ‘straight man’ or ‘straight woman.’

Yet according to Trump Dating’s rather strange drop-down menus, married people are welcome. For a relationship status, the site offers options like ‘have a significant other,’ ‘happily married,’ and ‘unhappily married.'”

And since no self-respecting republican-specific dating site should exist unless it takes an issue with race, Trump Dating allows their users to be super specific about their genealogy:

“The ethnicity options also seemed oddly specific. In addition to the typical categories, the site includes choices like ‘Scandinavian,’ ‘Polynesian,’ ‘Eastern European,’ ‘Western European,’ ‘Mediterranean,’ and ‘Eskimo,’ a term used to label the indigenous people of Alaska, Canada, and Greenland that is considered offensive and inaccurate.”

OMG, you guys. There better be a second menu where users can identify which of the five Aryan subtype races — Nordic, Mediterranean, Dinaric, Alpine, and East Baltic — they belong to. Otherwise the server room of this Trump Dating is gonna get tiki torched.

Anyway, where you at, Chispa, the “Tinder for Latinos”? You gonna let Trump Dating walk all over you? You need to re-brand to DACA Dong, Canelo Kennedy Courting, or something.

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I made 62 cents writing for you last month and now I feel like Carlos Slim

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So I quit my day job a couple of months ago and, to ease the boredom that gestates inside like some gross multi-brown baby, I’ve been populating Rictus with dumb-ass rants. Rants that, quite surprisingly — because, honestly, some of this stuff is really stupid — were looked at over 20,000 times in January, according to Google’s Analytics:

But Google is that passive-aggressive friend which tells you it wants your to succeed, but is secretly waiting for you to try so that it can humiliate you for doing so. That’s why the company sent me an email a few days ago to inform me of the traffic spike on this humble blog, and today it followed up with a “here’s your .62 cents of AdSense money, Scrooge Mcduck”:

Nice, Google. You should meet my melodramatic aunt. You’d get along famously.

But you know what? It doesn’t matter that last week José, the other Rictus dude, sent me an article about how a few writers were making insane amounts of money — especially for the digital realm — because Fusion, which is now Splinter, hired them back when the young venture was drunk with power (Disney was buying all the drinks):

“It is worth remembering that Salmon was not alone in the Fu$ion hiring $pree of 2014-15. Alexis Madrigal, Kevin Roose, Anna Holmes, Dodai Stewart, and Hillary Frey are a few of the big-name hires Fusion ‘[showered] with TV money, doling out salaries around the $300,000 and $500,000 range for marquee hires,’ reported Kara Bloomgarden-Smoke in WWD.”

I wrote a few articles for Fusion myself, but damn — I had no idea The Mouse put down the black Amex at the bar! That’s the last time I ask for well drinks on another person’s tab. #youstayhumbleifyouwantkendrick

Alas, The Awl and Gothamist, among other sites favored by media geeks, are dead now. And since monetizing digital content has turned into the lets-all-chase-millennials-with-dumb-memes-clickbait-and-viral-videos game, my 62 Google cents make me feel like Carlos Slim.

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