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Are we ready to drool over Spanish-speaking Joe Kennedy? Because he’s literally drooling for us

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Trump’s State of the Union address held no surprises for me. It was the same old chest-thumping he’s been serving at all his rallies, but with slightly more subdued jabs at the NFL, Obamacare, the Dreamers (“Because Americans are dreamers, too”) *eye-roll,* and all the other shit he pretends to hate.

I say “pretend” because I don’t actually believe the Cheeseburglar, Trump’s secret identity, hates all the things he says he hates — or suddenly believes in, like God. Probably because most of my generation knows him as an actor who plays a businessman, instead of an actual businessman.

To make fun of his thespian background, Gore Vidal used to call Ronald Reagan “The Acting President.” It’s fun to imagine what Vidal would call Donald: The Faking Newsident? Emoting Hump? The Concocter in Heat?

Ronald Reagan feeding a monkey in Bedtime for Bonzo [1951].

Sorry, Gore. Ima leave you alone because you’re trying to rest peacefully in you’re gave, and I’m just using your great name in vain.

What I really wanted to see after Trump’s long-ass rant — one of the longest State of the Union speeches ever, supposedly — was Joe Kennedy’s speech. The handsome redhead, apparently chosen by Senator Charles Schumer and Nancy Pelosi to LEAD LIBERALS TO VICTORY — or something — basically told his audience he stood against everything Trump patted himself on the back for.

The 37-year-old even broke out his high school Spanish:

It turns out these post-State of the Union rebuttals are the equivalent of a Twilight Zone or a Black Mirror episode: It may seem like you’re gaining something, but you’ll ultimately be humiliated in some ironic way. It happened to Marco Rubio, among others, and in Joe’s case, he’s speech will henceforth be remembered as “droolgate.”

The House Representative for Massachusetts’s 4th congressional district already told Good Morning America he was not drooling, and that his Wet ‘n Wild gloss had its on speech to give, but on the side of his mouth:

Yes, Canelo Kennedy said many pretty words post-Trump’s State of the Union address. But Michael Steel, John Boehner’s former press secretary, brought up some cogent points as to why Joe might not make the best Democratic poster star, even if his famous last name still provokes wet, drooling dreams among the blue party:

“Memories of President John F. Kennedy’s term in office — a time when Democrats did represent working-class dreams and aspirations — are faded. A 10-year old child who witnessed Kennedy’s assassination in 1963 is now 65 years old. Around half of all U.S. voters are under the age of 45…

To be successful, Democrats will need voters who are young, multiethnic, working-class, and living in swing districts. Schumer and Pelosi have chosen a white son of privilege from the most famously liberal state in America. Deeply dissatisfied voters today reject political dynasties (as my old boss, Jeb Bush, found out in 2016) and loathe Washington insiders. But Kennedy brings no qualifications beyond his gilded pedigree and status as an elected official in Washington.”

What say you, fellow minorities? You willing to let a Kennedy slobber all over you, like a brown Marilyn Monroe? Or you gonna wait for, I dunno, Julián Castro’s wet kisses?

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María Rubio was so good as Catalina Creel, an iconic telenovela villain, the role ruined her career

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According to sources on Twitter, and also TvNotas, the holy bible of Mexican gossip, María Rubio, the legendary actress best known for her role as Catalina Creel de Larios in Cuna de lobos, has passed away. She was 83 years old.

Thanks to her role as Soraya Montenegro in María la del Barrio, Itati Cantoral has been dominating the internet with an insane amount of memes, gifs, and even a House of Cards promo special. Itati blew up in the mid ’90s, when older millennials were still teens, and she’s that generation’s go-to character when it comes to Mexican telenovela villains.

Yes, Cantoral was great as Soraya, but the top dog in the telenovela villain game was — and has always been — María Rubio. The Tijuana-born actress was so good in Cuna de lobos that, according to an interview she did with Cristina Saralegui, the role ruined her career:

“[Catalina Creel] was a difficult, beloved character. I enjoyed playing her, but she also hurt me a lot. People completely forgot about María Rubio and now it seems that, after 40 years of being an actress, I’ve only done Catalina Creel.”

Catalina, a murderous matriarch, was known for having some of the best one-liners in telenovela history. But in the same interview with Saralegui, which was filmed over 20 years ago, María proved to be just as cunning and smart as her infamous character, but also incredibly funny:

“[Although I played a villain], I’ve received nothing but compliments, love, and admiration. Never aggression. I think viewers do attack the bad ones — bad actresses, that is.”

If you understand Spanish, check out the hilarious interview below. Watch María viciously own everyone in a panel of full of young telenovela villains:

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Traumatic advice from aunt Rosa: “Don’t torture your Care Bear, Mijo. Or else.”

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I was 6 years old when I yelled at Tugs, my Care Bear. I put him in time-out for not agreeing to the rules of an imaginary game I had just created.

I built a little time-out fortress for him to stay in while I played with my other toys. Coincidentally my tía Rosa was visiting that day. I urged her to see all my toys when she came into the house. I also explained to her that Tugs was in time-out, to which she replied in shock, “Mijo, mira, You have to be nice to your toys.”

I replied, “Tía, I am nice to my toys, but I’m teaching him a lesson.”

She contested nervously, “No, Mijo, you have to be nice to your toys or they might not be nice to you.”

I wasn’t following her logic.

Mijo, if you’re not nice to your toys, then at night time they might wake up and crawl into your bed to cut your toes with tiny razors,” she said slowly while staring at my imprisoned Care Bear.

“What?!” I whispered to her while looking at Tugs from the corner of my eye.

“Yes, your toys might do very bad things to you if you don’t treat them good.”

I stared at her in disbelief.

She stood up and walked towards the doorway.

Mijo, I brought you some tortillas. Come in the kitchen and let’s warm them up,” Rosa said casually.

From then on, Tugs sat on a tufted pillow on my dresser while I slept in velcro shoes for the next year. Growing up in my Mexican-American family meant that everything was possibly alive and watching you.


Felix III – Journeys the cosmos via Holy Hands Vol. 2. Rents a one-bedroom on Neptune. IG: @Futurefelix / Twitter: @thefuturefelix


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