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Are we ready to drool over Spanish-speaking Joe Kennedy? Because he’s literally drooling for us

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Trump’s State of the Union address held no surprises for me. It was the same old chest-thumping he’s been serving at all his rallies, but with slightly more subdued jabs at the NFL, Obamacare, the Dreamers (“Because Americans are dreamers, too”) *eye-roll,* and all the other shit he pretends to hate.

I say “pretend” because I don’t actually believe the Cheeseburglar, Trump’s secret identity, hates all the things he says he hates — or suddenly believes in, like God. Probably because most of my generation knows him as an actor who plays a businessman, instead of an actual businessman.

To make fun of his thespian background, Gore Vidal used to call Ronald Reagan “The Acting President.” It’s fun to imagine what Vidal would call Donald: The Faking Newsident? Emoting Hump? The Concocter in Heat?

Ronald Reagan feeding a monkey in Bedtime for Bonzo [1951].

Sorry, Gore. Ima leave you alone because you’re trying to rest peacefully in you’re gave, and I’m just using your great name in vain.

What I really wanted to see after Trump’s long-ass rant — one of the longest State of the Union speeches ever, supposedly — was Joe Kennedy’s speech. The handsome redhead, apparently chosen by Senator Charles Schumer and Nancy Pelosi to LEAD LIBERALS TO VICTORY — or something — basically told his audience he stood against everything Trump patted himself on the back for.

The 37-year-old even broke out his high school Spanish:

It turns out these post-State of the Union rebuttals are the equivalent of a Twilight Zone or a Black Mirror episode: It may seem like you’re gaining something, but you’ll ultimately be humiliated in some ironic way. It happened to Marco Rubio, among others, and in Joe’s case, he’s speech will henceforth be remembered as “droolgate.”

The House Representative for Massachusetts’s 4th congressional district already told Good Morning America he was not drooling, and that his Wet ‘n Wild gloss had its on speech to give, but on the side of his mouth:

Yes, Canelo Kennedy said many pretty words post-Trump’s State of the Union address. But Michael Steel, John Boehner’s former press secretary, brought up some cogent points as to why Joe might not make the best Democratic poster star, even if his famous last name still provokes wet, drooling dreams among the blue party:

“Memories of President John F. Kennedy’s term in office — a time when Democrats did represent working-class dreams and aspirations — are faded. A 10-year old child who witnessed Kennedy’s assassination in 1963 is now 65 years old. Around half of all U.S. voters are under the age of 45…

To be successful, Democrats will need voters who are young, multiethnic, working-class, and living in swing districts. Schumer and Pelosi have chosen a white son of privilege from the most famously liberal state in America. Deeply dissatisfied voters today reject political dynasties (as my old boss, Jeb Bush, found out in 2016) and loathe Washington insiders. But Kennedy brings no qualifications beyond his gilded pedigree and status as an elected official in Washington.”

What say you, fellow minorities? You willing to let a Kennedy slobber all over you, like a brown Marilyn Monroe? Or you gonna wait for, I dunno, Julián Castro’s wet kisses?

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Oh, right. Old-school Mexicans humiliate their children by pretending they don’t exist.

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I’ve been visiting my mother, and all of our immediate family, for the last week. They’re old-school, rural Mexicans. The kind who always offer food, even if they hate you.

I’m in my mid 30s now, and have been living on my own since I was 18, so at our gatherings I get a proper adult seat at the table. They listen to what I have to say, but it wasn’t always like that.

It’s not like that for my younger relatives, either. At family reunions, I see them out of the periphery of my eye. They’re trying to get a word in, but those older Mexicans won’t allow it. Why would they? What have those mocosos (snot-nosed kids) done to deserve anybody’s respect? Did they pay for their food? For the roof over their head? For their car, gas, clothes? No? Then they don’t exist.

Yes, they’re physically there, but unless they can prove their worth through monetary independence, they’re no one. If they try to make their voices heard, they’ll be silenced by a death stare, or an abrupt change in conversation.

If they persist, other humiliations will be flung at them, such as being asked to do something entirely meaningless, just like their opinion. “Vete a ver si ya puso la marrana” (go see if one of the pigs laid an egg) is a classic. My grandma had one of the most bizarre just-get-the-fuck-out-of-here phrases, which I’ve never heard elsewhere: “Vete a descular hormigas” (go chop the asses off ants).

I know these Mexicans sound like assholes, but they’re like that because they believe in resilience, not fragility. Giving encouragement to a mentally and physically healthy person seems redundant to them. Those people already have all they need to succeed, they’ll think.

To gain their respect, at the very least a person will need to become self-sufficient. That’s how you earn the right to sit with them. Either you’re with that, or you’re not there at all.

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“Trump Dating” site doesn’t want the gays, but allows the “happily married” to join

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You can even be mad at Trump Dating, a new website for lonely — or not so lonely, but just promiscuous — maganogamous people. It’s a perfect representation of their cherished administration, since it’s also homophobic — it only allows “straight” women or men to sign up — and, just like Trump, it’s all about adulterous relationships:

“When you kick off the process of starting a profile, you get two options for labeling yourself — ‘straight man’ or ‘straight woman.’

Yet according to Trump Dating’s rather strange drop-down menus, married people are welcome. For a relationship status, the site offers options like ‘have a significant other,’ ‘happily married,’ and ‘unhappily married.'”

And since no self-respecting republican-specific dating site should exist unless it takes an issue with race, Trump Dating allows their users to be super specific about their genealogy:

“The ethnicity options also seemed oddly specific. In addition to the typical categories, the site includes choices like ‘Scandinavian,’ ‘Polynesian,’ ‘Eastern European,’ ‘Western European,’ ‘Mediterranean,’ and ‘Eskimo,’ a term used to label the indigenous people of Alaska, Canada, and Greenland that is considered offensive and inaccurate.”

OMG, you guys. There better be a second menu where users can identify which of the five Aryan subtype races — Nordic, Mediterranean, Dinaric, Alpine, and East Baltic — they belong to. Otherwise the server room of this Trump Dating is gonna get tiki torched.

Anyway, where you at, Chispa, the “Tinder for Latinos”? You gonna let Trump Dating walk all over you? You need to re-brand to DACA Dong, Canelo Kennedy Courting, or something.

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