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Friendly PSA: If you’re Mexican, you MUST offer food to people, even if you hate them

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There’s an unwritten commandment in the collective Mexican mind: Even if you hate a person, you must offer them food, or you’ll be shamed for the rest of your blasphemous life. You can lie to that person, bang their significant other, or murder them, if you want. That’s fine. But not sharing whatever you’re digesting with someone is considered truly disgraceful.

I will now provide you with three examples of this unbreakable code so that, if you happen to be Mexican, you never play stupid. If you’ve been playing stupid, stop. Read this, but then go kneel in front of Juan Gabriel’s tomb and ask for forgiveness.

Example #1: The politicians who took a meeting with a group of Rarámuri women in the middle of breakfast, offered them nothing, and are now being hunted down on the internet

Recently Animal Político published a story about a group of politicians from the Mexican state of Chihuahua and their failure to convidar (offer) food — they appeared to be having a communal breakfast — to a group Rarámuri women.

The women wanted to protest the illegal collection of rent by shady landlords, and that probably would have been the lede in any other publication, but not in Mexican media:

“Without inviting them, representatives from Chihuahua ate breakfast in front of Rarámuris; two legislators apologize”

Two politicians apologized quickly and publicly, but it was futile attempt to quell the outrage. Still, over 275,000 people tuned in to hear them beg for forgiveness.

Example #2: The time an asshole neighbor didn’t share his brand-new bag of Rancheritos chips with us, his homeboys

I was hanging out somewhere in the Mexican state of Jalisco with a crew of other 12-year-old Mexicans when my neighbor, a short kid we used to call Vampirin (little bat), bought a bag of delicious Rancheritos, which happen to be my favorite brand of chips.

He’s Mexican, we’re Mexican, so we didn’t even ask for a portion of the chips. Instead, we extended our arms expecting to receive a handful crunchy, spicy, corn-based deliciousness.

Then, like a damn fool, Vampirin said “No. What if I don’t want to share them?” I, along with the other four boys, actually gasped. We looked at each other in disbelief.

But that was the last time Vampirin made that mistake among us, since we took his Rancheritos, passed the bag around so that everyone would spit into it, and then gave the chips back to him.

Vampirin cried, but he learned a valuable lesson: As a Mexican, he has to share his fucking food.

Example #3: Vicente Fox, the former Mexican president, got pissed at Fidel Castro for trying to hang out in Mexico uninvited. Fox ultimately invited Castro, but told him to eat quickly and then GTFO

In April of 2003, or in May, depending on the source, Vicente Fox, then president of Mexico, was hosting a conference for heads of state in the Mexican state of Monterrey. George W. Bush was scheduled to attend.

Fidel Castro apparently wanted to crash that awesome party, but Fox didn’t want to piss off Dubyuh, so he told El Comandante, in somewhat polite terms, he could swing by earlier, eat, and then GTFO. Unbeknownst to Vicente, Castro recorded the conversation.

The Cuban leader then showed up in Mexico, did his thing — he never met with Bush — and left. There would be no complications for Fox, it would seem, if Castro would’ve abstained from publishing the recorded audio upon his return to Cuba. But he didn’t:

Why would Fidel do such a thing? Probably to remind everyone what everyone already knows: Mexican leaders always bend over backwards for the US.

This hilarity now logged in the history books as the “Comes y te vas” incident (eat and get out). But even if Fox is an idiot — don’t let his anti-Trump tweets win you over, he was a horrible president — Vicente didn’t break the most sacred of Mexican rules: offering people, even the ones you hate, food.

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María Rubio was so good as Catalina Creel, an iconic telenovela villain, the role ruined her career

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According to sources on Twitter, and also TvNotas, the holy bible of Mexican gossip, María Rubio, the legendary actress best known for her role as Catalina Creel de Larios in Cuna de lobos, has passed away. She was 83 years old.

Thanks to her role as Soraya Montenegro in María la del Barrio, Itati Cantoral has been dominating the internet with an insane amount of memes, gifs, and even a House of Cards promo special. Itati blew up in the mid ’90s, when older millennials were still teens, and she’s that generation’s go-to character when it comes to Mexican telenovela villains.

Yes, Cantoral was great as Soraya, but the top dog in the telenovela villain game was — and has always been — María Rubio. The Tijuana-born actress was so good in Cuna de lobos that, according to an interview she did with Cristina Saralegui, the role ruined her career:

“[Catalina Creel] was a difficult, beloved character. I enjoyed playing her, but she also hurt me a lot. People completely forgot about María Rubio and now it seems that, after 40 years of being an actress, I’ve only done Catalina Creel.”

Catalina, a murderous matriarch, was known for having some of the best one-liners in telenovela history. But in the same interview with Saralegui, which was filmed over 20 years ago, María proved to be just as cunning and smart as her infamous character, but also incredibly funny:

“[Although I played a villain], I’ve received nothing but compliments, love, and admiration. Never aggression. I think viewers do attack the bad ones — bad actresses, that is.”

If you understand Spanish, check out the hilarious interview below. Watch María viciously own everyone in a panel of full of young telenovela villains:

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Traumatic advice from aunt Rosa: “Don’t torture your Care Bear, Mijo. Or else.”

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I was 6 years old when I yelled at Tugs, my Care Bear. I put him in time-out for not agreeing to the rules of an imaginary game I had just created.

I built a little time-out fortress for him to stay in while I played with my other toys. Coincidentally my tía Rosa was visiting that day. I urged her to see all my toys when she came into the house. I also explained to her that Tugs was in time-out, to which she replied in shock, “Mijo, mira, You have to be nice to your toys.”

I replied, “Tía, I am nice to my toys, but I’m teaching him a lesson.”

She contested nervously, “No, Mijo, you have to be nice to your toys or they might not be nice to you.”

I wasn’t following her logic.

Mijo, if you’re not nice to your toys, then at night time they might wake up and crawl into your bed to cut your toes with tiny razors,” she said slowly while staring at my imprisoned Care Bear.

“What?!” I whispered to her while looking at Tugs from the corner of my eye.

“Yes, your toys might do very bad things to you if you don’t treat them good.”

I stared at her in disbelief.

She stood up and walked towards the doorway.

Mijo, I brought you some tortillas. Come in the kitchen and let’s warm them up,” Rosa said casually.

From then on, Tugs sat on a tufted pillow on my dresser while I slept in velcro shoes for the next year. Growing up in my Mexican-American family meant that everything was possibly alive and watching you.


Felix III – Journeys the cosmos via Holy Hands Vol. 2. Rents a one-bedroom on Neptune. IG: @Futurefelix / Twitter: @thefuturefelix


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