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Friendly PSA: If you’re Mexican, you MUST offer food to people, even if you hate them

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There’s an unwritten commandment in the collective Mexican mind: Even if you hate a person, you must offer them food, or you’ll be shamed for the rest of your blasphemous life. You can lie to that person, bang their significant other, or murder them, if you want. That’s fine. But not sharing whatever you’re digesting with someone is considered truly disgraceful.

I will now provide you with three examples of this unbreakable code so that, if you happen to be Mexican, you never play stupid. If you’ve been playing stupid, stop. Read this, but then go kneel in front of Juan Gabriel’s tomb and ask for forgiveness.

Example #1: The politicians who took a meeting with a group of Rarámuri women in the middle of breakfast, offered them nothing, and are now being hunted down on the internet

Recently Animal Político published a story about a group of politicians from the Mexican state of Chihuahua and their failure to convidar (offer) food — they appeared to be having a communal breakfast — to a group Rarámuri women.

The women wanted to protest the illegal collection of rent by shady landlords, and that probably would have been the lede in any other publication, but not in Mexican media:

“Without inviting them, representatives from Chihuahua ate breakfast in front of Rarámuris; two legislators apologize”

Two politicians apologized quickly and publicly, but it was futile attempt to quell the outrage. Still, over 275,000 people tuned in to hear them beg for forgiveness.

Example #2: The time an asshole neighbor didn’t share his brand-new bag of Rancheritos chips with us, his homeboys

I was hanging out somewhere in the Mexican state of Jalisco with a crew of other 12-year-old Mexicans when my neighbor, a short kid we used to call Vampirin (little bat), bought a bag of delicious Rancheritos, which happen to be my favorite brand of chips.

He’s Mexican, we’re Mexican, so we didn’t even ask for a portion of the chips. Instead, we extended our arms expecting to receive a handful crunchy, spicy, corn-based deliciousness.

Then, like a damn fool, Vampirin said “No. What if I don’t want to share them?” I, along with the other four boys, actually gasped. We looked at each other in disbelief.

But that was the last time Vampirin made that mistake among us, since we took his Rancheritos, passed the bag around so that everyone would spit into it, and then gave the chips back to him.

Vampirin cried, but he learned a valuable lesson: As a Mexican, he has to share his fucking food.

Example #3: Vicente Fox, the former Mexican president, got pissed at Fidel Castro for trying to hang out in Mexico uninvited. Fox ultimately invited Castro, but told him to eat quickly and then GTFO

In April of 2003, or in May, depending on the source, Vicente Fox, then president of Mexico, was hosting a conference for heads of state in the Mexican state of Monterrey. George W. Bush was scheduled to attend.

Fidel Castro apparently wanted to crash that awesome party, but Fox didn’t want to piss off Dubyuh, so he told El Comandante, in somewhat polite terms, he could swing by earlier, eat, and then GTFO. Unbeknownst to Vicente, Castro recorded the conversation.

The Cuban leader then showed up in Mexico, did his thing — he never met with Bush — and left. There would be no complications for Fox, it would seem, if Castro would’ve abstained from publishing the recorded audio upon his return to Cuba. But he didn’t:

Why would Fidel do such a thing? Probably to remind everyone what everyone already knows: Mexican leaders always bend over backwards for the US.

This hilarity now logged in the history books as the “Comes y te vas” incident (eat and get out). But even if Fox is an idiot — don’t let his anti-Trump tweets win you over, he was a horrible president — Vicente didn’t break the most sacred of Mexican rules: offering people, even the ones you hate, food.

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Oh, right. Old-school Mexicans humiliate their children by pretending they don’t exist.

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I’ve been visiting my mother, and all of our immediate family, for the last week. They’re old-school, rural Mexicans. The kind who always offer food, even if they hate you.

I’m in my mid 30s now, and have been living on my own since I was 18, so at our gatherings I get a proper adult seat at the table. They listen to what I have to say, but it wasn’t always like that.

It’s not like that for my younger relatives, either. At family reunions, I see them out of the periphery of my eye. They’re trying to get a word in, but those older Mexicans won’t allow it. Why would they? What have those mocosos (snot-nosed kids) done to deserve anybody’s respect? Did they pay for their food? For the roof over their head? For their car, gas, clothes? No? Then they don’t exist.

Yes, they’re physically there, but unless they can prove their worth through monetary independence, they’re no one. If they try to make their voices heard, they’ll be silenced by a death stare, or an abrupt change in conversation.

If they persist, other humiliations will be flung at them, such as being asked to do something entirely meaningless, just like their opinion. “Vete a ver si ya puso la marrana” (go see if one of the pigs laid an egg) is a classic. My grandma had one of the most bizarre just-get-the-fuck-out-of-here phrases, which I’ve never heard elsewhere: “Vete a descular hormigas” (go chop the asses off ants).

I know these Mexicans sound like assholes, but they’re like that because they believe in resilience, not fragility. Giving encouragement to a mentally and physically healthy person seems redundant to them. Those people already have all they need to succeed, they’ll think.

To gain their respect, at the very least a person will need to become self-sufficient. That’s how you earn the right to sit with them. Either you’re with that, or you’re not there at all.

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“Trump Dating” site doesn’t want the gays, but allows the “happily married” to join

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You can even be mad at Trump Dating, a new website for lonely — or not so lonely, but just promiscuous — maganogamous people. It’s a perfect representation of their cherished administration, since it’s also homophobic — it only allows “straight” women or men to sign up — and, just like Trump, it’s all about adulterous relationships:

“When you kick off the process of starting a profile, you get two options for labeling yourself — ‘straight man’ or ‘straight woman.’

Yet according to Trump Dating’s rather strange drop-down menus, married people are welcome. For a relationship status, the site offers options like ‘have a significant other,’ ‘happily married,’ and ‘unhappily married.'”

And since no self-respecting republican-specific dating site should exist unless it takes an issue with race, Trump Dating allows their users to be super specific about their genealogy:

“The ethnicity options also seemed oddly specific. In addition to the typical categories, the site includes choices like ‘Scandinavian,’ ‘Polynesian,’ ‘Eastern European,’ ‘Western European,’ ‘Mediterranean,’ and ‘Eskimo,’ a term used to label the indigenous people of Alaska, Canada, and Greenland that is considered offensive and inaccurate.”

OMG, you guys. There better be a second menu where users can identify which of the five Aryan subtype races — Nordic, Mediterranean, Dinaric, Alpine, and East Baltic — they belong to. Otherwise the server room of this Trump Dating is gonna get tiki torched.

Anyway, where you at, Chispa, the “Tinder for Latinos”? You gonna let Trump Dating walk all over you? You need to re-brand to DACA Dong, Canelo Kennedy Courting, or something.

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