If you’re a lonely Latino person, you probably started 2018 ingesting gallons of alcohol so that your grandma’s nagging, lingering voice will disappear from your subconsciousness. It’s that damn question she keeps repeating every time you go home for the holidays: ¿Y el novio/a, mijo/a? [Where’s your boyfriend/girlfriend.]
And she’s fucking cruel because she always reminds you of that last person you dated, even if it was some lice-infested kid from kindergarten. Abuela will push and twist the dagger even harder by illustrating examples of other relatives, many of whom are even uglier than you, but somehow manage to hold down relationships.
That’s why the Match Group, which owns Tinder and OkCupid, and Univision, which owns your shitty childhood nostalgia thanks to Sábado Gigante and Primer Impacto, have teamed up to make your humiliation even more pronounced.
Together, those two companies released Chispa, a dating app for Latinos, and it’s gonna do one of two things for you: A) take away one of the excuses you regularly use to justify your failure on dating apps (“everyone on Tinder is super white”), or B) remind you why you don’t date Latinos in the first place.
If you’re a Latino man signing up for Chispa, you’re probably gonna try to tell homegurls you’re super funny, love sports, reggaeton, and Forest Gump. If you a lady, you’re gonna rant about the importance of family, your one Isabel Allende book, Gael Garcia Bernal, and lipgloss.
How do I know? Because OkCupid already published the hard data.
Gays, OkCupid probably has some shit on you too, but they haven’t published it yet, so I can’t make any sweeping, stereotypical statements about you.
According to Carolina Moreno over at the HuffoPost, Chispa mimics Tinder in its functionality, but you can add your “roots”:
“Chispa looks and functions much like Tinder, with users being able to swipe right to connect with potential matches or swipe left to skip them. One main difference is the new app will let users share their roots on their profile.
For roots, users can choose from countries in Latin America and the Caribbean, like Colombia or Haiti, plus Spain, Bicultural, Other and the United States. Ultimately, users from all backgrounds can join the app regardless of whether they’re Latino or not.”
The app launched at the end of December, and it has an Instagram account with 22 followers. I realize those numbers are not encouraging, but, at this point in your life, you have to be willing to throw yourself in any dating pool, no matter how tragic or desperate. Otherwise your grandma’s shade is going to become even more passive-aggressive.
María Rubio was so good as Catalina Creel, an iconic telenovela villain, the role ruined her career
According to sources on Twitter, and also TvNotas, the holy bible of Mexican gossip, María Rubio, the legendary actress best known for her role as Catalina Creel de Larios in Cuna de lobos, has passed away. She was 83 years old.
Thanks to her role as Soraya Montenegro in María la del Barrio, Itati Cantoral has been dominating the internet with an insane amount of memes, gifs, and even a House of Cards promo special. Itati blew up in the mid ’90s, when older millennials were still teens, and she’s that generation’s go-to character when it comes to Mexican telenovela villains.
Yes, Cantoral was great as Soraya, but the top dog in the telenovela villain game was — and has always been — María Rubio. The Tijuana-born actress was so good in Cuna de lobos that, according to an interview she did with Cristina Saralegui, the role ruined her career:
“[Catalina Creel] was a difficult, beloved character. I enjoyed playing her, but she also hurt me a lot. People completely forgot about María Rubio and now it seems that, after 40 years of being an actress, I’ve only done Catalina Creel.”
Catalina, a murderous matriarch, was known for having some of the best one-liners in telenovela history. But in the same interview with Saralegui, which was filmed over 20 years ago, María proved to be just as cunning and smart as her infamous character, but also incredibly funny:
“[Although I played a villain], I’ve received nothing but compliments, love, and admiration. Never aggression. I think viewers do attack the bad ones — bad actresses, that is.”
If you understand Spanish, check out the hilarious interview below. Watch María viciously own everyone in a panel of full of young telenovela villains:
Traumatic advice from aunt Rosa: “Don’t torture your Care Bear, Mijo. Or else.”
I was 6 years old when I yelled at Tugs, my Care Bear. I put him in time-out for not agreeing to the rules of an imaginary game I had just created.
I built a little time-out fortress for him to stay in while I played with my other toys. Coincidentally my tía Rosa was visiting that day. I urged her to see all my toys when she came into the house. I also explained to her that Tugs was in time-out, to which she replied in shock, “Mijo, mira, You have to be nice to your toys.”
I replied, “Tía, I am nice to my toys, but I’m teaching him a lesson.”
She contested nervously, “No, Mijo, you have to be nice to your toys or they might not be nice to you.”
I wasn’t following her logic.
“Mijo, if you’re not nice to your toys, then at night time they might wake up and crawl into your bed to cut your toes with tiny razors,” she said slowly while staring at my imprisoned Care Bear.
“What?!” I whispered to her while looking at Tugs from the corner of my eye.
“Yes, your toys might do very bad things to you if you don’t treat them good.”
I stared at her in disbelief.
She stood up and walked towards the doorway.
“Mijo, I brought you some tortillas. Come in the kitchen and let’s warm them up,” Rosa said casually.
From then on, Tugs sat on a tufted pillow on my dresser while I slept in velcro shoes for the next year. Growing up in my Mexican-American family meant that everything was possibly alive and watching you.