The Mexican press are bigger gossips than myself, my divorced aunt Lupe, the Mexican lady who works the laundromat on the corner of my apartment, Raúl De Molina, and my TvNotas subscription all put together. I’m not exaggerating — it’s just a fact, people.
For example, today they’re reporting that Joaquín “Chapo” Gúzman got a surgical implant in his testicles back in October because he suffers from what rockstars refer to as “coke dick” (impotence):
On September and October of last year Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán underwent a surgical procedure where doctors placed an implant in his testicles so that he may achieve an erection, sources told REFORMA.
This procedure was done in some hospital in Tijuana, and I can already picture a line of pre-op trans people, plastic-faced fresa ladies, and my aunt Lupe yelling at Chapo’s doctor to hurry the fuck up because they, too, need some shit done.
BTW, I would like to put my two cents out there and say that the recent “leaked” text messages between Chapo and Kate Del Castillo, which were supposedly intercepted by the Mexican government, seem completely made up. Did you guys even see the 17 minute Chapo interview? No northern Mexican man speaks in the manner in which those texts were written. Those messages are chilango speak, and no self-respecting norteño would ever express himself like that. (Sorry, chilangos, but you already know everyone outside of Mexico City hates you.)
But that’s another post for another day. For now, enjoy knowing a super powerful man is can also be incredibly impotent because life is tragic and poetic like that. Or something.