The Mexican press are bigger gossips than myself, my divorced aunt Lupe, the Mexican lady who works the laundromat on the corner of my apartment, Raúl De Molina, and my TvNotas subscription all put together. I’m not exaggerating — it’s just a fact, people.
For example, today they’re reporting that Joaquín “Chapo” Gúzman got a surgical implant in his testicles back in October because he suffers from what rockstars refer to as “coke dick” (impotence):
On September and October of last year Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán underwent a surgical procedure where doctors placed an implant in his testicles so that he may achieve an erection, sources told REFORMA.
This procedure was done in some hospital in Tijuana, and I can already picture a line of pre-op trans people, plastic-faced fresa ladies, and my aunt Lupe yelling at Chapo’s doctor to hurry the fuck up because they, too, need some shit done.
BTW, I would like to put my two cents out there and say that the recent “leaked” text messages between Chapo and Kate Del Castillo, which were supposedly intercepted by the Mexican government, seem completely made up. Did you guys even see the 17 minute Chapo interview? No northern Mexican man speaks in the manner in which those texts were written. Those messages are chilango speak, and no self-respecting norteño would ever express himself like that. (Sorry, chilangos, but you already know everyone outside of Mexico City hates you.)
But that’s another post for another day. For now, enjoy knowing a super powerful man is can also be incredibly impotent because life is tragic and poetic like that. Or something.
María Rubio was so good as Catalina Creel, an iconic telenovela villain, the role ruined her career
According to sources on Twitter, and also TvNotas, the holy bible of Mexican gossip, María Rubio, the legendary actress best known for her role as Catalina Creel de Larios in Cuna de lobos, has passed away. She was 83 years old.
Thanks to her role as Soraya Montenegro in María la del Barrio, Itati Cantoral has been dominating the internet with an insane amount of memes, gifs, and even a House of Cards promo special. Itati blew up in the mid ’90s, when older millennials were still teens, and she’s that generation’s go-to character when it comes to Mexican telenovela villains.
Yes, Cantoral was great as Soraya, but the top dog in the telenovela villain game was — and has always been — María Rubio. The Tijuana-born actress was so good in Cuna de lobos that, according to an interview she did with Cristina Saralegui, the role ruined her career:
“[Catalina Creel] was a difficult, beloved character. I enjoyed playing her, but she also hurt me a lot. People completely forgot about María Rubio and now it seems that, after 40 years of being an actress, I’ve only done Catalina Creel.”
Catalina, a murderous matriarch, was known for having some of the best one-liners in telenovela history. But in the same interview with Saralegui, which was filmed over 20 years ago, María proved to be just as cunning and smart as her infamous character, but also incredibly funny:
“[Although I played a villain], I’ve received nothing but compliments, love, and admiration. Never aggression. I think viewers do attack the bad ones — bad actresses, that is.”
If you understand Spanish, check out the hilarious interview below. Watch María viciously own everyone in a panel of full of young telenovela villains:
Traumatic advice from aunt Rosa: “Don’t torture your Care Bear, Mijo. Or else.”
I was 6 years old when I yelled at Tugs, my Care Bear. I put him in time-out for not agreeing to the rules of an imaginary game I had just created.
I built a little time-out fortress for him to stay in while I played with my other toys. Coincidentally my tía Rosa was visiting that day. I urged her to see all my toys when she came into the house. I also explained to her that Tugs was in time-out, to which she replied in shock, “Mijo, mira, You have to be nice to your toys.”
I replied, “Tía, I am nice to my toys, but I’m teaching him a lesson.”
She contested nervously, “No, Mijo, you have to be nice to your toys or they might not be nice to you.”
I wasn’t following her logic.
“Mijo, if you’re not nice to your toys, then at night time they might wake up and crawl into your bed to cut your toes with tiny razors,” she said slowly while staring at my imprisoned Care Bear.
“What?!” I whispered to her while looking at Tugs from the corner of my eye.
“Yes, your toys might do very bad things to you if you don’t treat them good.”
I stared at her in disbelief.
She stood up and walked towards the doorway.
“Mijo, I brought you some tortillas. Come in the kitchen and let’s warm them up,” Rosa said casually.
From then on, Tugs sat on a tufted pillow on my dresser while I slept in velcro shoes for the next year. Growing up in my Mexican-American family meant that everything was possibly alive and watching you.