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This Chapo-themed “interactive artwork” could be the worse thing at Art Basel

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Are you banging your head against a CRT monitor because all your cool friends are at Art Basel while you’re stuck in some shitty office overhearing Yazmin, a woman in a blue pantsuit with mousse in her hair, talk to her ex-husband about she hasn’t received this month’s child support payment? Don’t sweat it, kid. Truth is, your friends are currently surrounded by a bunch of assholes and mediocre art.

But don’t take my word for it. Take a look at El Chapo’s Revenge (Beach Better Have My Money). It’s not just a pun, but an “interactive artwork” where, after forking over $250 bucks, Art Basel attendees are given a metal detector and sent on a scavenger hunt inside a fenced off beach area. Zerek Kempf and Nathan Gwynne, the creators of El Chapo’s Revenge, allow participants to take home whatever they find, which seem to be all sorts of “prizes” (zinc-casted chicken bones, Donald Trump heads, corn cobs, etc).

But like so many half-assed hipster art projects which aim to be cynical, ironic, or political, El Chapo’s Revenge is very convoluted and underwhelming:

We were inspired by these prison break stories. Before the prison break of El Chapo there were two inmates in upstate New York that had just broken out of prison. El Chapo is a kind of almost mythic figure at this point (which) is something that we’re interested in. And the idea of a hole, I think, is one that everyone can relate to. A hole goes both ways; it’s a way to get out, but it’s also a way to get in. It allows the otherwise frivolous frolicking on the beach that happens every year at Art Basel, Miami Beach, to have a little bit of a reminder that there’s a lot of other things going on in the world.

Hopefully some of those “other things” include vaguely-worded mission statements and terrible art in supposedly innovative art fairs.

See El Chapo’s Revenge (Beach Better Have My Money), if you must, below — and lay off Yazmin! Being a single mother is incredibly difficult, you judgmental asshole.

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Oh, right. Old-school Mexicans humiliate their children by pretending they don’t exist.

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I’ve been visiting my mother, and all of our immediate family, for the last week. They’re old-school, rural Mexicans. The kind who always offer food, even if they hate you.

I’m in my mid 30s now, and have been living on my own since I was 18, so at our gatherings I get a proper adult seat at the table. They listen to what I have to say, but it wasn’t always like that.

It’s not like that for my younger relatives, either. At family reunions, I see them out of the periphery of my eye. They’re trying to get a word in, but those older Mexicans won’t allow it. Why would they? What have those mocosos (snot-nosed kids) done to deserve anybody’s respect? Did they pay for their food? For the roof over their head? For their car, gas, clothes? No? Then they don’t exist.

Yes, they’re physically there, but unless they can prove their worth through monetary independence, they’re no one. If they try to make their voices heard, they’ll be silenced by a death stare, or an abrupt change in conversation.

If they persist, other humiliations will be flung at them, such as being asked to do something entirely meaningless, just like their opinion. “Vete a ver si ya puso la marrana” (go see if one of the pigs laid an egg) is a classic. My grandma had one of the most bizarre just-get-the-fuck-out-of-here phrases, which I’ve never heard elsewhere: “Vete a descular hormigas” (go chop the asses off ants).

I know these Mexicans sound like assholes, but they’re like that because they believe in resilience, not fragility. Giving encouragement to a mentally and physically healthy person seems redundant to them. Those people already have all they need to succeed, they’ll think.

To gain their respect, at the very least a person will need to become self-sufficient. That’s how you earn the right to sit with them. Either you’re with that, or you’re not there at all.

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“Trump Dating” site doesn’t want the gays, but allows the “happily married” to join

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You can even be mad at Trump Dating, a new website for lonely — or not so lonely, but just promiscuous — maganogamous people. It’s a perfect representation of their cherished administration, since it’s also homophobic — it only allows “straight” women or men to sign up — and, just like Trump, it’s all about adulterous relationships:

“When you kick off the process of starting a profile, you get two options for labeling yourself — ‘straight man’ or ‘straight woman.’

Yet according to Trump Dating’s rather strange drop-down menus, married people are welcome. For a relationship status, the site offers options like ‘have a significant other,’ ‘happily married,’ and ‘unhappily married.'”

And since no self-respecting republican-specific dating site should exist unless it takes an issue with race, Trump Dating allows their users to be super specific about their genealogy:

“The ethnicity options also seemed oddly specific. In addition to the typical categories, the site includes choices like ‘Scandinavian,’ ‘Polynesian,’ ‘Eastern European,’ ‘Western European,’ ‘Mediterranean,’ and ‘Eskimo,’ a term used to label the indigenous people of Alaska, Canada, and Greenland that is considered offensive and inaccurate.”

OMG, you guys. There better be a second menu where users can identify which of the five Aryan subtype races — Nordic, Mediterranean, Dinaric, Alpine, and East Baltic — they belong to. Otherwise the server room of this Trump Dating is gonna get tiki torched.

Anyway, where you at, Chispa, the “Tinder for Latinos”? You gonna let Trump Dating walk all over you? You need to re-brand to DACA Dong, Canelo Kennedy Courting, or something.

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